Because of you.

I love this blog, it helps me breathe. I look forward to reading it every day. It's the reason I wake up, besides Cassidi:p


I spend most of my nights outside, looking for ways to make you smile.

I don't care how many fish there are in the sea. I don't want a fish. I want you.

It's not your watch I care about. It's the time you keep.

Wait. But don't wait too long. Work hard. But don't forget how to play. Sing loudly. But don't learn all the words. Wonder. But not so much that you lose yourself. Read magazines. But read more books.
Love.

You don't have to be the person you tell people you are. You can just be who you are.

Just tell them how you feel. Is anyone going to die?
No.
But one day, you will.
Would you like to do that before or after you tell them?

Let love not be like lightning. Let me feel this way again one day, even if I lose you.

Create. Not because you want to or because the mood grabs you or just because you happen to feel like it. Create because you need to. Because it feels like if you don't, you might die.

The most creative thing you can do is tell the truth.

If you're looking for love, you won't find it.
If you're not, you will.

I miss you sitting next to me. I miss you falling asleep. I miss carrying you to bed. I miss looking at the ceiling and listening to you breathing.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

I hope you get what you want or you want something new. I hope you appreciate how you feel now when you start to feel differently. I hope you spend your time with someone you love, even it's just you.

You decide every moment of every day who you are and what you believe in.
You get a second chance, every second.

You can be happy tomorrow. You can be happy when you get through your list of things to do. You can be happy when you meet the one. You can be happy when you get the right job. You can be happy when you get that raise. You can be happy when you stop buying the things you need and start buying the things you want. You can be happy when you retire. You can be happy when the weather suits you. You can be happy on a plane. You can be happy in the rain.

Or you can stop reading this, take a deep breath, and be happy right now.

Love. Happy happy love.

I think I can be happy without wanting things. I wanted things so badly, and once you get your hopes up- if they get crushed, you get crushed. It doesn't work.
Today my family, with the help of Blake, put up the Christmas tree. Before we did, my mom said, "It's not important, it's not like there will be any presents to put under it anyway."
It kind of broke my heart. Christmas is a big deal in my family, not necessarily the holiday itself, but the Christmas spirit in general. It felt like my mom crushed the spirit, I just felt really bad. It's a little hard to put in words, I just didn't think any of my family would say something like that.
Sure, we are pretty dirt poor right now, but that doesn't mean things won't get better. I don't really mind not having presents, it's not like I need anything, but Christmas is about being happy. It kind of hurt.

This weekend was a bit boring. I didn't really do much of anything, watched movies and cried, but I think it was the good kind of crying. P.S. I love you was something worth crying over if that makes any sense. It was a cute movie.
Tonight Shay, Nick, and I saw Twilight. I realized how much I really do hate it, and frankly I don't know why I saw it twice. I thought it was horrible, I had better expectations. Whatever.

It was neat to hang out with a person I don't know well, someone new, and he's a really great person. It was sweet. I need to meet new people.
Not saying I don't love the people that are in my life, I've really needed them.
New things are just good, too.
I've been in a weird place lately, and I need people. I need Shay basically more than anyone, but I've been thinking about how she's leaving next year. So is my Blake, Cass, Dylan, Fran, a whole chunk of my heart is leaving. I was talking to Shay tonight and said that when she leaves, my heart is going to be ripped in half and stomped on ten times. It's going to hurt. I love her more than anyone. It's hard to think she's not going to be here every day.
I'll be happy.
Get happy.
Happier.
Soon.

Not a chance.

Fine, feeling fine.
Happy, conditionally.
Love, more than I should.
Trust, more than worth it.

I've loved that feeling. The feeling of being fine. It'll change, always does, already has. It's weird. I haven't wanted anything so much before to just let it all go. Things wont change how I feel right now, that much I know. I wish they would.

Hair says I'm too kind. I don't think it's so much as kind, but I just do. I do things for people I care about. Think I care about. Cared about. I like being happy, I'll still be happy. I'll be fine. I know.

Today changed a lot. Feelings for people, reasoning, most things changed today. I felt bad I couldn't help my best friend when she needed it just because I couldn't skip math. That kind of hurt.
I got hurt today.
Not enough to not recover from it anytime soon. Maybe a week. Maybe a month. I can't judge my emotions that far. But I'm fine. I just need some comfort. Kind of badly.

I'm done, as of now, having a pity party for myself. Done.

Giving Thanks

Basically, if it weren't for the people that are in my life right now, I would be a complete mess. I owe you everything I have, and love you with my entire heart, I promise. Thanks guys. You mean more than you know.


Shayshay,
Blake,
Heather,
Levi,
Cassidi,
Deanna,
Britni,
Steph,
Franny,
Dylan,
Mom,
Dad,
and the rest of my whole family.
THANK YOU





Have a great Thanksgiving.

Hearing your voice, it's like music.

I had to, I read Cassidi's and I'm like hey, I'm going to go do that now! :] Thankss.
10 nice things to say to 10 different people.

1. You are the strongest and most important person I know. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be half the person I am now. I need you more than anything or anyone. I tell you everything, and you give me the advice I need. I need you, but not only because you make me food. :p It's a good thing you're all mine:]

2. You were there for me during the hardest part of this year. For that, I thank you. But really, you mean more to me than a lot of people. You're one of the kindest people I know, and you help me breathe. I can talk to you about what's going on with me, and you don't get jealous, or mad, or annoyed. You love me and you listen.<3

3. You are my sunshine. I think about you and I smile at the thought. We've had the best times together, and learned that fighting just makes us closer. You're the only one that makes me laugh so hard my tummy hurts. You know so much about me, I'm sorry I can never focus. We'll get it back, I promise.

4. You drive me everywhere, let me yell at you, and laugh at me when I'm mad. You make fun of me and wrestle with me, I love you. You make me happy when I don't want to be, and attempt to make me laugh at myself because I sound stupid. You show me how to be myself. <3

5. I think you're one of the main reasons I've been happy lately. Just being around you makes me feel safe, and I love it. You care about me, and no matter what happens, I'll be there for you. You mean a lot to me already, and I know you will in the future. Thank you for everything you've done, I owe you. I'm sure we're going to go far:]

6. I miss being best friends with you. I envy you in so many ways. It's so easy to talk to you, it reminds me of how things used to be, and I'm sorry we're not like that anymore, but we'll be fine. We may not be "best friends", but we can be close, and that's good enough for me, because I love you:]

7. You're one of those people that's not afraid to do things. I love hanging out with you, you're just so out there. We have the same interests and you make me laugh, which is a must. I love you to death honey.

8. I'm sorry I don't show how much I really do care about you. You've changed a lot, even for the better. It's because of you I know myself. You don't question everything and you take it for what it is. You support Shay any Blake, which is more than I can say for a lot of people, and that means more to me than I can say.

9. Although you were very controlling, you helped me become a beginner actress. It was hard, and you deserve more gratitude. I owe you more than I can show.

10. I don't know you well, but you make me happy. I'm sorry for what I might do hurts you, just know that I'm not trying to- it's not my intention. Sometimes, things just happen. I know that I love you, even just barely, and I hope we can be good friends in the future. :]

All I Ask.

Could you be the one to make me fall?
I am always running, will you follow?
Catch me if you dare, tame me and I'll never go.
All I ask is that you'll love me.
And should you cry, I'll drink your tears,
I would kill your enemies,
Walk into a burning house to save you,
And all I ask is that you'll love me.
All I ask is that you'll love me.
If I fall again.

I remember when I was jealous of my friends. Of my good friends. Maybe that's why I was friends with them at all, but I doubt that. But it's like.. Cass, I think maybe I was jealous of her because she was so beautiful, she was loved by everyone that was around her. There was Deanna, She was the most gorgeous person I knew. She got all the attention & always got what she wanted. Why, I'm not sure, but she wasn't afraid to ask for things. Maybe it wasn't jealousy, maybe it was envy. I could have just been proud. Proud that they were my friends. I got to claim them as mine. Maybe it's because I wanted to be like them.

Now, I don't. I like being me. I know who I am, and I'm proud of myself. Proud there's no one like me. Now, I'm happy that they call me their friends. Cass, Heather, Deanna. Yeah they're my friends, but now I'm theirs too. I'm creating who I want to be one step at a time, by myself- so that I can be proud of who and where I am.

I think I like being wanted. Feeling loved, feeling safe. Maybe half the time that's all I want, and I'm cool with that, cause I also know that's what I have. I know I'm loved. I know I'm safe. I know my ground.

Right now, I just need to stabilize my relationships with the people I care about and set them in the places they're supposed to be in my mind. Everyone has they're own category in my head, I just gotta get my priorities straight.
I gotta get my head straight.

I like this whole "being happy" thing. It's what I need.

10.

10 things you wish you could say to ten different people right now:

1) I love you.
2) I'm sorry for being a bitch, I know he's only your friend.
3) Thanks for supporting me. You mean a ton.
4) Don't leave me, okay?
5) I need you.
6) You mean more now than ever. Just stick around, k?
7) I'm all for it. Really. :]
8 ) I miss you.
9) Please leave, I don't like you.
10) It'll all be worth it.

9 Things people probably don’t know about you:

1) I love being cold.
2) I hate soda.
3) I love dirtbiking.
4) I wish I had a pet snake.
5) I want to be a vegetarian.
6) I hate myspace.
7) I want to be a doctor when I grow up.
8 ) I still watch cartoons with my little brother.
9) I have an obsession with jackets.

8 ways to win your heart:

1) Compliment me.
2) Make me laugh.
3) Watch chick flicks with me.
4) Tell the truth.
5) Be able to talk to me.
6) Allow me to do things even if I think I can't.
7) Make me feel wanted.
8) Make me think.

7 awesome movies:

1) Charlie Bartlett
2) V for Vendetta
3) The Notebook
4) Pulp Fiction
5) The Princess Bride
6) Rent
7) The Breakfast Club

6 things you do before you fall asleep:

1) Shower
2) Brush my teeth
3) Wash my face
4) Occasionally laundry
5) Read
6) Set alarm

5 people who mean a lot: (no order)

1) Shay
2) Jake
3) Molly
4) Mom
5) Dad

4 things you don’t like:
1) Chapped lips :p
2) Ignorance
3) People
4) Dirty clothes

3 things you like:
1) Food. haa
2) Brushing my teeth
3) The smell and feel of Christmas.

2 things you want to do before you die:
1) Become a doctor
2) Sky Dive

1 confession
1) I do care what people think, but I care more about how I feel if this happens.