Hey!

Man, I've missed this! It's been so long, and I feel like I never have anything to say. But all that aside, it's good to be back.
So, we're in our third week of school, and I've really been enjoying it. I mean, I'm already completely stressed, but it's okay. I've been kept REALLY busy.
I have Geometry first hour, which is actually going well. I've been keeping up pretty well I think.
Second hour is AcaDec, and probably my hardest class. Man it's SO hard. It's the one I'm most worried about.
Third is AP Sophomore English, and it's with Fredley. Every senior, and everyone else for that matter, thinks she'll be horrible, but I really like her.
And last is Chemistry. It's an alright class, Grena is just hilarious, so it makes it all better.
On top of all that, I am involved in Cross Country (though hard, I LOVE it.) AcaDec after school (mandatory practices) and the Blood Drive Committee. Next Monday are play auditions, so that's quite a bit more work. I really don't know how I'll be able to juggle it all, so we'll see.


I've just been really busy, obviously, and really tired. But it'll get better:]

This Week:

I've learned that when you're happy, you're beautiful, and everyone sees it.

I've become less jealous, which in turn makes you a better person.

I've noticed that laughter is the best medicine.

I've rediscovered that I love running, and it's something in my life that I've got to do right now.




“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.”

my sister's keeper.

"If there was a religion of Annaism, and I had to tell you how humans made their way to Earth, it would go like this; in the beginning, there was nothing at all but the moon and the sun. And the moon wanted to come out during the day, but there was something so much brighter that seemed to fill up all those hours. The moon grew hungry, thinner and thinner, until she was just a slice of herself, and her tips were as sharp as a knife. By accident, because that is the way most things happen, she poked a hole in the night, and spilled out a million stars, like a fountain of tears.

Horrified, the moon tried to swallow them up. And sometimes this worked, because she got fatter and rounder. But mostly, it didn't, because there were just so many. The stars kept coming, until they the sky so bright the sun got jealous. He invited the stars to his side of the world, where it was always bright. What he didn't tell them though, was that in the daytime, they'd never be seen. So the stupid ones leaped from the sky to the ground, and the froze under the weight of their own foolishness.

The moon did her best. She carved each of these blocks of sorrow into a man and a woman. She spent the rest of her time watching out so that her other stars wouldn't fall. She spent the rest of her time holding on to whatever scraps she had left."

Those three words.

I love you.
I miss you.
See you soon.

They're all one ever wants to hear.

ABC Story.

As I walked down the sidewalk next to him, I thought about the softness of his hand in mine. Behind us , the full moon shone, as brightly as could be. Caressing my back with his free hand gave me shivers down my spine. Down the road we could see my porch light on, my parents surely inside waiting for me to walk in the door from my late night. "Ella, do you really have to go?" he says in the sweetest voice. Finding my voice is hard, I'm afraid I'll ruin this perfect, beautiful image of the night. Graciously, I take his hands in both of mine and say, "You could just stay a little longer than planned... accidentally letting me fall asleep in your arms.." How nice the night smells on my fragile senses. I don't want him to go just yet, praying to God he'll agree to my plan. Joining me on the porch, he and I both realize my parents aren't up, and he's able to take his time and look me in the eyes. Kissing me lightly after his bright blue eyes have memorized every part of me, I think to myself just how in love with him I am. Lips in sync, he realizes I want him just as much as he wants me, right here, right now. Moving slowly into the outdoor swing, padded with cushions, I feel the warmth of him compared to the chill of the night air. Nothing could ever feel as great as this. Of course, he's the only good thing I've felt since I was twelve. Pacing heart, I know I'm not nervous, especially with him being here. Quiet overcomes everything outside, and all I can hear is his strong, healthy heart, and my failing one. Restrictions on my body prevent me from moving faster, I worry my body wont keep up with what will come next. Staring at me, he gives me strength, I know I can handle it. Turning to the door, I'm positive I'll be able to do the thing I've always wanted most. Unless my parents somehow wake up from the quiet creaking of the stairs, I'm golden. Various things cross my mind, as if I'll have all the time in the world, even though I know in a matter of months I'll no longer be here. Wondering if he thinks the same things, I undo his buckle swiftly, I'm not scared because with all my heart I love him. Xanadu is where I'm at, it feels like heaven already. "You love me, don't you?" Zach has always loved me, and I've always known this.

Anyone. Anything.

I feel...
weird. I can't even explain it. I don't know what I want or how I feel or what to say.

I want to be distant, not talk to people for days and have them miss me, and when they see me, it'll be like a celebration. I want to be missed and wanted. I want someone to want me in the best way possible.

I want to fall in love. I want to fall in love with them because they're in love with me. I want love. I want to know what it feels like to love with my whole heart, with everything I have. I want to be crazy about someone, and I want to remind them every day. I want to be everything to someone and not be afraid.

I want a new perspective on life. I want to do the things I'm scared of missing. I want to make a list. I want to be and to live and to love and to breathe and want and need.

I want to dance in the rain. I want to make dreams come true. My dreams, and dreams of people I love.

I want to move away and meet new people that know nothing about me, I want to tell them my life story and I want them to want to listen, and know more. I want to be funny and witty and interesting.

I want to be lost, and have someone find me.

I want to be a late-night waitress and listen to stories of people I meet and get to know them.
I want to sleep embraced in the arms of someone who wants me.
I want to sleep on the beach.
I want to travel up the east coast.
I want to live with my best friend.
I want more than one best friend.
I want to be beautiful because I choose to be that way. I want to get sick so I can bask in the glory of being healthy.
I want a life that always has the right turn in front of me, but I choose the other road because it's full of adventure. I want those turns to turn out perfect, and be a different person that makes different decisions.

I want more choices.
I want to think about different things.
I want to learn more.
I want to be free.



Before I Die
By Jenny Downham, read it.

I. LOVE. THIS.