I've figred it out!

I know what I want to do. At least, what I think I want to do.
I want to start dancing- ballet specifically, I'm not sure why, but it just kind of sprung on me. I think it could be something to love, that I could love.
I talked to my mom about it, and and how I love the arts, and how if I could be great at anything in the arts, it would be dancing and acting. She was saying how she sees dancing more as me, because it's more athletic. I said how much I love acting, and I love theatre, and I don't know how good I am but I love it. She said I was really good at it, but that I was better at it more than I loved it. That dance would be good for me, because things like dance and sports are more me. I'm more athletic. I love running, I like some sports. And I love the arts. I love it, I do. But this is an art, and something that takes being fit. The running with cross country this summer, if I really do it, will make me able to do anything. I'll be able to dance and do sports and feel good when I act. I want to find my place, and be good at something, and something beautiful. Theatre will always be my home, and I'll always love it, no matter how good I am at it, but it's not me, though I know it and love it and live it, it's not what I know I can be great at.
Heather took dance until her freshman year, and she loved it. It was her, a part of her, and the fact that she loved it so just makes it that much more appealing. I just want so much to love it as much as she did, kind of do her justice because she loves theatre so much now. Which is fine, but dance will always be a part of her and I just...
I want something to be so much a part of me, and this is something I can see myself loving.
it's like Hair said, " I don't know, but this could be for you, what guitar is for me."
Which I get. I get that it could be great, because Hair loves guitar, it's his passion.
I just want a passion, something to love any do and maybe be good at.
I'm just excited. And that's my goal. I want to work towards it.
I've figured out what I want to work towards, what I want to do.

Hey, YOU!

Are you ready to have a great time?!
Are you ready to sit in the rain and watch the sun set, drink tea out of mason jars and sit on your porch?
Volunteer at the thrift store and spend nights crying over The Outsiders, reading books that we love and drinking raspberry (strawberry) smoothies?
Sleep all day, run into town at night, stay up til five and watch the morning light?
I'm. Ready.
Because it may not a repeat, and it may not be exact, but we're going to make it fun, that's for fact.
We're going to make memories, and we'll love each other more, it's okay if you get sick of me because I don't care.

(What the hell is with the rhyming?)
I'm ready to do new things, and do them with you. I'm ready to spend a summer with blue blue blue.
sky.
I'm ready for rain.
I'm ready for sun.
I'm ready for books, and trips to Tuscon.
I'm ready for you, to stay with me.
And I'm glad. Because you're my best friend:]
Ever. :p

Graduation.

I'm proud, I'm sad, I'm happy, I hate it.
A lot of those kids have been my family for the last year. I mean, I've seen all of them grow, I've grown, and I love them.
I bawled my eyes out last night.

I really teared up when Shay got up there, but my the time Blake was walking across the stage, I was bawling. I know I'll see Shay again, so even though it's sad, it's okay. But with Blake, Steph, Cass, Fran, all of these wonderful people I might not ever see again.
And that breaks my heart.
I haven't cried that much in a long time.


Blake was the first to grab me and pull me into a hug.
He just hugged me and told me he loved me. Which means a lot, because I know with him, he and our family have been through a lot. And I just kind of took it to heart. I love the kid. I just want to make sure I spend as much time with the people that mean so much to me as I can this summer. Because in 80 days, it'll ALL be different. All of it.

I stepped away and Heather told me it'd be okay, because by then my face was tear streaked and wasn't going to go away any time soon. I needed her right then.
Because I know the exact same thing is going to happen next year.
Next I found Steph. I'm so proud of her, she's been through a lot too, but she made it, and now she gets to go live her life.
I grabbed Shay, Dylan tackled me, I hugged Jessica Jeffs and Annah, kids that I'm not very close to anymore but still love, and people I hope to be in my future.
After all the crying and hugging, the congratulating and loving, Heather, Britni, Tucker, Ellie and I all went to Denny's, had some good times, and headed home.

Probably the most emotional day I've had in..
Months.
It was very... exhausting.
And I'm glad it's over, but also not. Because now it's summer, but that means everything, EVERYTHING will change.
Which is good, change is good.
I'm just scared.
And I have to work myself up to be ready for it.

I'm just glad I have Heather to help. Because we need to change with eachother, and I need to grow apart from people that are leaving.
I'm ready, I am.



(Okay, did you hear me? IT'S SUMMER! And I'm so so excited. I CAN'T WAIT TO DO THINGS.
And it starts early Monday morning. The rest of this weekend is for recuperating. IT'S SUMMER! Summer summer summer. FINALLY.)

I'm here. I'm ready. I'm waiting and changing and being.
Finally.
Summer is in three days, and I'm just so pumped , so ready.
I want to leave notes in people's mailboxes, I want to get a Polariod camera by May 30 and take one picture every day of the summer. I want to work hard, and spend time with people I adore.
And I'm working on it.
I can just feel the change happening in me.
I'm transforming. and I'm so glad.
Because it's what I've been waiting for.

Today I went outside to read, with a camera in hand, and I took pictures.
The clouds were dark, and it was breezy. The flowers had bloomed, roses, tulips, and dandy lions, finally.
I sat on my sat on my swing and read, listening to music.
I let the breeze brush my hair, I felt the rain drops come down on my skin.
First time it's rained in awhile.
I love rain in the summer up here, it's gorgeous. The smell has no comparison, and it's the best thing out there.
I think the atmosphere was ready to start clean, so it all let go.
And now, I feel like everything's going to be different, from here on out, it's all going to be good.

There's nowhere left to go but up.

For the love of Heather. :]

Websites to remember:

http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/15131

http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/mysterious-little-people-hard

http://www.colerise.com/

http://www.vertustech.com/blog/2008/02/11/32/

http://www.markseliger.com/

(for photography) :]

Please

I ran today for the first time in probably two months. It felt so damn good. I went away for about a half hour and it was just good. I can't wait to start doing it more. It's so nice out, and I love this weather lately. Summer is just around the corner, and I know I say it a lot, but I am so dang excited I can barely stand it.

I'm just ready to feel good, I'm ready to spend time with people I love and stop spending time with people I don't. I'm ready to find what I need and get rid of what I don't, get my priorities in order and love every second of summer, of living, rather than worrying about what'll happen the next day. I'm ready to be happy again. It's all just a part of getting my priorities in order.
To know what I need to do.
Know what I want to do.
Work for what I want.
Read more.
Smile more.
Eat healthy.
Run more.
Love more.
Be more.

Kids, I'm ready for change.
So here I come, ready or not.

Crave.

“And I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your feet and hold your hand and go for a meal and not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy’s and talk about the day and type your letters and carry your boxes and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don’t listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you’re sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee and bagels and Danish and go to Florent and drink coffee at midnight and have you steal my cigarettes and never be able to find a match and tell you about the the programme I saw the night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your neck your breasts your arse your
and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when you’re late and be amazed when you’re early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance till I’m black and be sorry when I’m wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I’d known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you’re angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face oriental and tell you you’re gorgeous and hug you when you’re anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I’m next to you and whimper when I’m not and dribble on your breast and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don’t and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I’m rejecting you when I’m not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I’d ever reject you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don’t believe me and have a feeling so deep I can’t find words for it and want to buy you a kitten I’d get jealous of because it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don’t want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don’t mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it’s empty without you and want what you want and think I’m losing myself but know I’m safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don’t deserve any less and answer your questions when I’d rather not and tell you the truth when I really don’t want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it’s all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it’s a beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and Hebrew to you worse and make love with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you.”

Sarah Kane
Crave

What we're all waiting for.

16 days until graduation. 16 days. 384 hours. 23,040 minutes. 1,382,400 seconds.
12 days left of school. 12 days. 288 hours. 17,280 minutes. 1,036,800 seconds.
12 days until I get my final grades from this quarter. 12 days to step it up. 12 days to buckle down. 12 days to cherish with people I love that I wont ever see again. 12 days until freedom. Until warmth. until sleeping in, lazy days, and going to lakes. 12 days until beginning the first summer of my high school career. 12 days until I start becoming a better person. 12 days to get my priorities in order. 12 days until I can start being serous about getting a job. 12 days to work hard. 12 days until summer. Until hanging out with friends every day of the week. Until Heather finds out whether or not she's going to Yuma (if only for a week or two:D) 12 days until
SUMMER.

Things me and Heather have to do over summer:
Make peanut butter, oatmeal, chocolate chip cookies.
Watch Lost
Go to the lake.
Volunteer?
Eat whales and coconut fudge cookies
Make a time capsule
Make Heather have a kick ass 17th.
FOURTH OF JULY.
Get freaking jobs
Clothes shopping
Movie marathon
Take Heather to Tucson (which involves clothes shopping)
Read Outsiders
Read Truth About Forever
Flagstaff? (HATS)
Read Catcher in the Rye
Spend an entire day at the library
Relient K, Jack's Mannequin, and Rent
Find ourselves
Fix our hearts with cookie dough and crying
Hang out with Tucker (and Ellie!)
Go running
Be brave
Watch silly TV shows (Office, Lost, Sex and the City)


Summer. Summer. Summer.

"You might not always like me, the things I do or the way I do them. But these are my things, this is the way I do them and I am me."


"And if you look a little closer, you'll see that if a person believes that life is terrible, they’ll constantly look for proof of this, to confirm their view of the world. They’ll find quotes and situations and events in their life and magnify them a hundred times.

If a person believes that life is wonderful, they’ll look for the corresponding signage and behave in a similar manner to the previous person with their view of the world.

Often, this is the same person on different days of the week. "


"You cannot kill me here. Bring your soldiers, your death, your disease, your collapsed economy because it doesn’t matter, I have nothing left to lose and you cannot kill me here. Bring the tears of orphans and the wails of a mother’s loss, bring your God damn air force and Jesus on a cross, bring your hate and bitterness and long working hours, bring your empty wallets and love long since gone but you cannot kill me here. Bring your sneers, your snide remarks and friendships never felt, your letters never sent, your kisses never kissed, cigarettes smoked to the bone and cancer killing fears but you cannot kill me here. For I may fall and I may fail but I will stand again each time and you will find no satisfaction. Because you cannot kill me here. "

“For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can’t readily accept the God formula, the big answers don’t remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.”

—	Charles Bukowsk