It's a Great Feeling.

It's so cool when you figure out how much people really care about you. Wednesday, late afternoon, after my home cross country meet, I went to go change and go to rehearsal. I'm searching for my keys in the locker room and failed to find them. So, I go out to my car to see if I miraculously left them in the ignition, again, failed to find them. I'm sitting in my car crying because I'm upset, and my fellow JV partner Tessa texts me and says that I won a medal for coming fourth in JV. So I go out, get my medal, and walk over to the auditorium to talk to Heather and Nicole about the whole keys fiasco. I'm crying and I walk in and Heather comes over to me to see what's up, I tell her about my medal, and then about my keys, still upset. So she hugs me and tells everyone 

"Hey! Guys! Kara got a medal for Cross Country!!" 

And they all gather around me and congratulate me and tell me how proud they are. Which then leads to Heather, Nicole, Britni, and Ryan coming over to the parking lot to help me search for the damn keys, which were never found. My mom took Heather and Ryan home, and I got in trouble when I arrived at my own home. But the fact that they all cared so much about me, and were so proud of me for something that isn't their thing, because Drama is all our thing, but cross country is new for me, and I love it, and they were all so happy for me that it made me feel so good, because these kids really care about me. I don't think I could have better friends.

(I went to the office the next morning and someone who was very nice, ended up turning the keys in, to which I was very grateful.)

Anyway. Classes are doing alright, I think I got one A and three B's, or two A's and two B's, which I would be ecstatic about. Friday I took the day off to catch up on some work because I really just haven't had the time to do it all, but it was really worth it. Then at cross country practice, we played medic and ran a mile, and rehearsal we did some scenes, in between which Britni felt like doing my makeup (Thanks Brit:p) The Homecoming game, we slaughtered Alchesay 62-14, and I got to see my dearest Cassidi Marie, who came up for the weekend, and will probably see again today.

It's been a good weekend so far, and I'm just really glad I have the people in my life that I do right now. They're good to me, I need them, and I really care about them. So guys, thanks for everything:)

Also, I have some new things that I adore that I feel like sharing at the moment.

Books: I'm in love with The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan. It's like nothing I've ever read before.

My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picculi, which I know was one of my books over the summer, but I still love it.

And Nicole lent me seven books today, which I'll probably start on tomorrow.

Music: The new Owl City CD (Ocean Eyes), All American Rejects, Boys Like Girls, Plainville, and some others. Nicole also burnt me over six Cds of new music, and I'm still trying to figure out which ones I like best.

TV: I've become very close to Gilmore Girls. Hahah, it's my new show, and I love it. Along with Glee, Greys Anatomy, Private Practice, and So You Think You Can Dance.

And last but not least, new people.

Nicole Kreger. She's not new, but this year we've become really really close. I adore her, she's sweet, hilarious, and very smart. Let's just say, if it weren't for her, I would have died already.

Jamie Huth. She was cast in our play, and even though she's moving soon, I'm really glad I got to know her. She's a good addition to our Drama family. 

Sidney Kizzar. We're in AcaDec together and she just cracks me up. She's also in the play, and is a great actress.

Ms. Abel! Our AcaDec coach, and basically, I just love her. Both Cassidi and Heather have been really good friends with her in high school, and I'm just glad I'm finally getting to know her. She's awesome:)

My cross country family! Alex, Brian, Deveny, Tessa, Brazia, Alyssa, Celise, Brandi, Kyle, they have been really accepting. I adore all of them, they're funny and sweet, and I don't know what I'd do without them. Cross country has been really good for me this year.

Anyway. I feel like it's gonna continue to get better. Trying new things has been really good for me this year.

OHMAN.

Do you realize how hard it is to juggle a million things at once? I didn't, until I actually had to.
Cross Country.
AcaDec.
The play.
School work (Friggin' Geometry, AcaDec- sooo hard, Fredley- :|, and Chemistry, which I don't get.)
No time after school, or for a life. Hahah.
Crazzyyy schedule. It's been sort of difficult. I mean, I'm handling it, for now. I was just such a load so incredibly fast that I didn't expect it, and now that I'm doing it all, I'm freaking out. I feel so stressed, and I haven't really run in the past few days, which is what gets rid, or calms me, of my stress. It's my high and these past couple days have been hectic.
THOUGH!
Saturday was my first meet, in Flagstaff, which was a complete blast. I was so nervous, but I had soo much fun:) All those kids are really nice, and are nice to me, and I appreciate all of them.
Also, the play started today, we did read throughs, and I'm so excited. It should be really fun.
Another plus is the meet in Winslow tomorrow. That won't be too bad, except that I'm assuming I'll come in last.
Thursday my phone should come in, so I'll finally have a real source of communication again:D


Today, the school wouldn't allow us to watch the speech President Obama gave directed towards us students, and I was kind of furious. Ms. Able read it to us in AcaDec though, which was nice. It was such a beautiful and inspiring speech, no one could understand why they wouldn't let us watch it. My mom is planning on calling Superintendent Brackney and pretty much bitch him out. I'm proud to have parents that care.

Anyway. I don't have a lot to say. It's weird to be so busy, but have nothing to say about it. Hence why I've not blogged in so long. My book is a little hard to understand, (Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison) especially because I have no context for it, and how he talks about how African Americans are treated. It's just so hard to comprehend. I have to finish it basically by Friday though, so we'll see how it goes.
Anyway, anyone else have updates? I know we've all kind of just stopped posting. I think maybe that means we have lives again. Haha. Anyway. I'm wiped, and I've got some things to do, so hopefully, I'll see you around:)

Did you know?

Watch it.

Hey!

Man, I've missed this! It's been so long, and I feel like I never have anything to say. But all that aside, it's good to be back.
So, we're in our third week of school, and I've really been enjoying it. I mean, I'm already completely stressed, but it's okay. I've been kept REALLY busy.
I have Geometry first hour, which is actually going well. I've been keeping up pretty well I think.
Second hour is AcaDec, and probably my hardest class. Man it's SO hard. It's the one I'm most worried about.
Third is AP Sophomore English, and it's with Fredley. Every senior, and everyone else for that matter, thinks she'll be horrible, but I really like her.
And last is Chemistry. It's an alright class, Grena is just hilarious, so it makes it all better.
On top of all that, I am involved in Cross Country (though hard, I LOVE it.) AcaDec after school (mandatory practices) and the Blood Drive Committee. Next Monday are play auditions, so that's quite a bit more work. I really don't know how I'll be able to juggle it all, so we'll see.


I've just been really busy, obviously, and really tired. But it'll get better:]

This Week:

I've learned that when you're happy, you're beautiful, and everyone sees it.

I've become less jealous, which in turn makes you a better person.

I've noticed that laughter is the best medicine.

I've rediscovered that I love running, and it's something in my life that I've got to do right now.




“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you’re getting this down.”

my sister's keeper.

"If there was a religion of Annaism, and I had to tell you how humans made their way to Earth, it would go like this; in the beginning, there was nothing at all but the moon and the sun. And the moon wanted to come out during the day, but there was something so much brighter that seemed to fill up all those hours. The moon grew hungry, thinner and thinner, until she was just a slice of herself, and her tips were as sharp as a knife. By accident, because that is the way most things happen, she poked a hole in the night, and spilled out a million stars, like a fountain of tears.

Horrified, the moon tried to swallow them up. And sometimes this worked, because she got fatter and rounder. But mostly, it didn't, because there were just so many. The stars kept coming, until they the sky so bright the sun got jealous. He invited the stars to his side of the world, where it was always bright. What he didn't tell them though, was that in the daytime, they'd never be seen. So the stupid ones leaped from the sky to the ground, and the froze under the weight of their own foolishness.

The moon did her best. She carved each of these blocks of sorrow into a man and a woman. She spent the rest of her time watching out so that her other stars wouldn't fall. She spent the rest of her time holding on to whatever scraps she had left."

Those three words.

I love you.
I miss you.
See you soon.

They're all one ever wants to hear.

ABC Story.

As I walked down the sidewalk next to him, I thought about the softness of his hand in mine. Behind us , the full moon shone, as brightly as could be. Caressing my back with his free hand gave me shivers down my spine. Down the road we could see my porch light on, my parents surely inside waiting for me to walk in the door from my late night. "Ella, do you really have to go?" he says in the sweetest voice. Finding my voice is hard, I'm afraid I'll ruin this perfect, beautiful image of the night. Graciously, I take his hands in both of mine and say, "You could just stay a little longer than planned... accidentally letting me fall asleep in your arms.." How nice the night smells on my fragile senses. I don't want him to go just yet, praying to God he'll agree to my plan. Joining me on the porch, he and I both realize my parents aren't up, and he's able to take his time and look me in the eyes. Kissing me lightly after his bright blue eyes have memorized every part of me, I think to myself just how in love with him I am. Lips in sync, he realizes I want him just as much as he wants me, right here, right now. Moving slowly into the outdoor swing, padded with cushions, I feel the warmth of him compared to the chill of the night air. Nothing could ever feel as great as this. Of course, he's the only good thing I've felt since I was twelve. Pacing heart, I know I'm not nervous, especially with him being here. Quiet overcomes everything outside, and all I can hear is his strong, healthy heart, and my failing one. Restrictions on my body prevent me from moving faster, I worry my body wont keep up with what will come next. Staring at me, he gives me strength, I know I can handle it. Turning to the door, I'm positive I'll be able to do the thing I've always wanted most. Unless my parents somehow wake up from the quiet creaking of the stairs, I'm golden. Various things cross my mind, as if I'll have all the time in the world, even though I know in a matter of months I'll no longer be here. Wondering if he thinks the same things, I undo his buckle swiftly, I'm not scared because with all my heart I love him. Xanadu is where I'm at, it feels like heaven already. "You love me, don't you?" Zach has always loved me, and I've always known this.

Anyone. Anything.

I feel...
weird. I can't even explain it. I don't know what I want or how I feel or what to say.

I want to be distant, not talk to people for days and have them miss me, and when they see me, it'll be like a celebration. I want to be missed and wanted. I want someone to want me in the best way possible.

I want to fall in love. I want to fall in love with them because they're in love with me. I want love. I want to know what it feels like to love with my whole heart, with everything I have. I want to be crazy about someone, and I want to remind them every day. I want to be everything to someone and not be afraid.

I want a new perspective on life. I want to do the things I'm scared of missing. I want to make a list. I want to be and to live and to love and to breathe and want and need.

I want to dance in the rain. I want to make dreams come true. My dreams, and dreams of people I love.

I want to move away and meet new people that know nothing about me, I want to tell them my life story and I want them to want to listen, and know more. I want to be funny and witty and interesting.

I want to be lost, and have someone find me.

I want to be a late-night waitress and listen to stories of people I meet and get to know them.
I want to sleep embraced in the arms of someone who wants me.
I want to sleep on the beach.
I want to travel up the east coast.
I want to live with my best friend.
I want more than one best friend.
I want to be beautiful because I choose to be that way. I want to get sick so I can bask in the glory of being healthy.
I want a life that always has the right turn in front of me, but I choose the other road because it's full of adventure. I want those turns to turn out perfect, and be a different person that makes different decisions.

I want more choices.
I want to think about different things.
I want to learn more.
I want to be free.



Before I Die
By Jenny Downham, read it.

I. LOVE. THIS.

I've figred it out!

I know what I want to do. At least, what I think I want to do.
I want to start dancing- ballet specifically, I'm not sure why, but it just kind of sprung on me. I think it could be something to love, that I could love.
I talked to my mom about it, and and how I love the arts, and how if I could be great at anything in the arts, it would be dancing and acting. She was saying how she sees dancing more as me, because it's more athletic. I said how much I love acting, and I love theatre, and I don't know how good I am but I love it. She said I was really good at it, but that I was better at it more than I loved it. That dance would be good for me, because things like dance and sports are more me. I'm more athletic. I love running, I like some sports. And I love the arts. I love it, I do. But this is an art, and something that takes being fit. The running with cross country this summer, if I really do it, will make me able to do anything. I'll be able to dance and do sports and feel good when I act. I want to find my place, and be good at something, and something beautiful. Theatre will always be my home, and I'll always love it, no matter how good I am at it, but it's not me, though I know it and love it and live it, it's not what I know I can be great at.
Heather took dance until her freshman year, and she loved it. It was her, a part of her, and the fact that she loved it so just makes it that much more appealing. I just want so much to love it as much as she did, kind of do her justice because she loves theatre so much now. Which is fine, but dance will always be a part of her and I just...
I want something to be so much a part of me, and this is something I can see myself loving.
it's like Hair said, " I don't know, but this could be for you, what guitar is for me."
Which I get. I get that it could be great, because Hair loves guitar, it's his passion.
I just want a passion, something to love any do and maybe be good at.
I'm just excited. And that's my goal. I want to work towards it.
I've figured out what I want to work towards, what I want to do.

Hey, YOU!

Are you ready to have a great time?!
Are you ready to sit in the rain and watch the sun set, drink tea out of mason jars and sit on your porch?
Volunteer at the thrift store and spend nights crying over The Outsiders, reading books that we love and drinking raspberry (strawberry) smoothies?
Sleep all day, run into town at night, stay up til five and watch the morning light?
I'm. Ready.
Because it may not a repeat, and it may not be exact, but we're going to make it fun, that's for fact.
We're going to make memories, and we'll love each other more, it's okay if you get sick of me because I don't care.

(What the hell is with the rhyming?)
I'm ready to do new things, and do them with you. I'm ready to spend a summer with blue blue blue.
sky.
I'm ready for rain.
I'm ready for sun.
I'm ready for books, and trips to Tuscon.
I'm ready for you, to stay with me.
And I'm glad. Because you're my best friend:]
Ever. :p

Graduation.

I'm proud, I'm sad, I'm happy, I hate it.
A lot of those kids have been my family for the last year. I mean, I've seen all of them grow, I've grown, and I love them.
I bawled my eyes out last night.

I really teared up when Shay got up there, but my the time Blake was walking across the stage, I was bawling. I know I'll see Shay again, so even though it's sad, it's okay. But with Blake, Steph, Cass, Fran, all of these wonderful people I might not ever see again.
And that breaks my heart.
I haven't cried that much in a long time.


Blake was the first to grab me and pull me into a hug.
He just hugged me and told me he loved me. Which means a lot, because I know with him, he and our family have been through a lot. And I just kind of took it to heart. I love the kid. I just want to make sure I spend as much time with the people that mean so much to me as I can this summer. Because in 80 days, it'll ALL be different. All of it.

I stepped away and Heather told me it'd be okay, because by then my face was tear streaked and wasn't going to go away any time soon. I needed her right then.
Because I know the exact same thing is going to happen next year.
Next I found Steph. I'm so proud of her, she's been through a lot too, but she made it, and now she gets to go live her life.
I grabbed Shay, Dylan tackled me, I hugged Jessica Jeffs and Annah, kids that I'm not very close to anymore but still love, and people I hope to be in my future.
After all the crying and hugging, the congratulating and loving, Heather, Britni, Tucker, Ellie and I all went to Denny's, had some good times, and headed home.

Probably the most emotional day I've had in..
Months.
It was very... exhausting.
And I'm glad it's over, but also not. Because now it's summer, but that means everything, EVERYTHING will change.
Which is good, change is good.
I'm just scared.
And I have to work myself up to be ready for it.

I'm just glad I have Heather to help. Because we need to change with eachother, and I need to grow apart from people that are leaving.
I'm ready, I am.



(Okay, did you hear me? IT'S SUMMER! And I'm so so excited. I CAN'T WAIT TO DO THINGS.
And it starts early Monday morning. The rest of this weekend is for recuperating. IT'S SUMMER! Summer summer summer. FINALLY.)

I'm here. I'm ready. I'm waiting and changing and being.
Finally.
Summer is in three days, and I'm just so pumped , so ready.
I want to leave notes in people's mailboxes, I want to get a Polariod camera by May 30 and take one picture every day of the summer. I want to work hard, and spend time with people I adore.
And I'm working on it.
I can just feel the change happening in me.
I'm transforming. and I'm so glad.
Because it's what I've been waiting for.

Today I went outside to read, with a camera in hand, and I took pictures.
The clouds were dark, and it was breezy. The flowers had bloomed, roses, tulips, and dandy lions, finally.
I sat on my sat on my swing and read, listening to music.
I let the breeze brush my hair, I felt the rain drops come down on my skin.
First time it's rained in awhile.
I love rain in the summer up here, it's gorgeous. The smell has no comparison, and it's the best thing out there.
I think the atmosphere was ready to start clean, so it all let go.
And now, I feel like everything's going to be different, from here on out, it's all going to be good.

There's nowhere left to go but up.

For the love of Heather. :]

Websites to remember:

http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/15131

http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/mysterious-little-people-hard

http://www.colerise.com/

http://www.vertustech.com/blog/2008/02/11/32/

http://www.markseliger.com/

(for photography) :]

Please

I ran today for the first time in probably two months. It felt so damn good. I went away for about a half hour and it was just good. I can't wait to start doing it more. It's so nice out, and I love this weather lately. Summer is just around the corner, and I know I say it a lot, but I am so dang excited I can barely stand it.

I'm just ready to feel good, I'm ready to spend time with people I love and stop spending time with people I don't. I'm ready to find what I need and get rid of what I don't, get my priorities in order and love every second of summer, of living, rather than worrying about what'll happen the next day. I'm ready to be happy again. It's all just a part of getting my priorities in order.
To know what I need to do.
Know what I want to do.
Work for what I want.
Read more.
Smile more.
Eat healthy.
Run more.
Love more.
Be more.

Kids, I'm ready for change.
So here I come, ready or not.

Crave.

“And I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your feet and hold your hand and go for a meal and not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy’s and talk about the day and type your letters and carry your boxes and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don’t listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you’re sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee and bagels and Danish and go to Florent and drink coffee at midnight and have you steal my cigarettes and never be able to find a match and tell you about the the programme I saw the night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your neck your breasts your arse your
and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when you’re late and be amazed when you’re early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance till I’m black and be sorry when I’m wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I’d known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you’re angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face oriental and tell you you’re gorgeous and hug you when you’re anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I’m next to you and whimper when I’m not and dribble on your breast and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don’t and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I’m rejecting you when I’m not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I’d ever reject you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don’t believe me and have a feeling so deep I can’t find words for it and want to buy you a kitten I’d get jealous of because it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don’t want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don’t mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it’s empty without you and want what you want and think I’m losing myself but know I’m safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don’t deserve any less and answer your questions when I’d rather not and tell you the truth when I really don’t want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it’s all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it’s a beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and Hebrew to you worse and make love with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you.”

Sarah Kane
Crave

What we're all waiting for.

16 days until graduation. 16 days. 384 hours. 23,040 minutes. 1,382,400 seconds.
12 days left of school. 12 days. 288 hours. 17,280 minutes. 1,036,800 seconds.
12 days until I get my final grades from this quarter. 12 days to step it up. 12 days to buckle down. 12 days to cherish with people I love that I wont ever see again. 12 days until freedom. Until warmth. until sleeping in, lazy days, and going to lakes. 12 days until beginning the first summer of my high school career. 12 days until I start becoming a better person. 12 days to get my priorities in order. 12 days until I can start being serous about getting a job. 12 days to work hard. 12 days until summer. Until hanging out with friends every day of the week. Until Heather finds out whether or not she's going to Yuma (if only for a week or two:D) 12 days until
SUMMER.

Things me and Heather have to do over summer:
Make peanut butter, oatmeal, chocolate chip cookies.
Watch Lost
Go to the lake.
Volunteer?
Eat whales and coconut fudge cookies
Make a time capsule
Make Heather have a kick ass 17th.
FOURTH OF JULY.
Get freaking jobs
Clothes shopping
Movie marathon
Take Heather to Tucson (which involves clothes shopping)
Read Outsiders
Read Truth About Forever
Flagstaff? (HATS)
Read Catcher in the Rye
Spend an entire day at the library
Relient K, Jack's Mannequin, and Rent
Find ourselves
Fix our hearts with cookie dough and crying
Hang out with Tucker (and Ellie!)
Go running
Be brave
Watch silly TV shows (Office, Lost, Sex and the City)


Summer. Summer. Summer.

"You might not always like me, the things I do or the way I do them. But these are my things, this is the way I do them and I am me."


"And if you look a little closer, you'll see that if a person believes that life is terrible, they’ll constantly look for proof of this, to confirm their view of the world. They’ll find quotes and situations and events in their life and magnify them a hundred times.

If a person believes that life is wonderful, they’ll look for the corresponding signage and behave in a similar manner to the previous person with their view of the world.

Often, this is the same person on different days of the week. "


"You cannot kill me here. Bring your soldiers, your death, your disease, your collapsed economy because it doesn’t matter, I have nothing left to lose and you cannot kill me here. Bring the tears of orphans and the wails of a mother’s loss, bring your God damn air force and Jesus on a cross, bring your hate and bitterness and long working hours, bring your empty wallets and love long since gone but you cannot kill me here. Bring your sneers, your snide remarks and friendships never felt, your letters never sent, your kisses never kissed, cigarettes smoked to the bone and cancer killing fears but you cannot kill me here. For I may fall and I may fail but I will stand again each time and you will find no satisfaction. Because you cannot kill me here. "

“For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can’t readily accept the God formula, the big answers don’t remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.”

—	Charles Bukowsk

Smash poetry.

Change.

Change change change.
It's happening a lot. There's a lot of change that's happened, is happening, will happen.
It's not something that can be put into simple words. Everything is different, I have to figure out whether in a good way or bad. These last couple weeks have been just... weird. I'm just done. I don't want any of this drama, any of this heartbreak, the crap talking and heart breaking. It's too much.
I don't like this change. Though, I think I need it. It's something like 13 days (School days) until school is out for the summer.
Why I don't want it to come:
Graduation
Heather leaving for Yuma for the latter part of the summer.
Shay going to college.
No Iowa.
The hotness.

Why I want it to come:
Warm:]
Spending time with friends!
LAKE! (With Brit:D)
Allison maybe coming!!
Going to Tucson, seeing family<3
School shopping.
Job?
No school
Driving
Being a Sophmore!


This play, no matter how much I objected to it in the beginning, has become a big part of my life lately, and it's so weird. But I love almost all of the cast. That's weird too.
I've been procrastinating a lot lately, it's really not good. I hate how I do that, slacking off in bio.
nkl;k;gersg I should probably go do homework.
I'll try and post more frequently.


peace.

Dear Ruth

I miss this. :(

FIghting.

There are fighters in this world, and people who give up.
Hello fighters.
Heather and I were talking, and we fight, we fight hard for what we think is worth it. How could you give up so easily? Example: Josh Black? Sorry, I know how that sounds. When someone breaks up with you, do you fight to keep them with you? Is that what you're supposed to do? I mean, I guess I can't say, there are many positions in which you have to give up. But really?
Come on.
"I'm breaking up with you." And he leaves it, he's done, like it's not worth it.
HOW COULD IT NOT BE WORTH IT?
I don't know. I probably have no idea what I'm talking about.
But I'm so over people giving up.
Fighting is worth anything you want.
You have to fight for what you want people.

I think it means you care.
Take number one. Kara: I'm sorry.
Nope.
Take number two. Heather: I'm sorry.
Nope.
Take number three?
Heather running to the WMI and a lot of crying involved.
Problem fixed.

Not really, that's not how it is. But hello?! WE FOUGHT for each other, k? I mean it's different with best friends I guess, but we made it, and now look? We're golden.
Seriously people, FREAKING FIGHT.
mdfbkjdhgklg;d

I'm

Home!


Had fun,
it's good to be back.

Right now

I miss Shay.
And Heather.
And my goddamn boyfriend.



I'm ready to be home already :/

Spring.

I like being here when it's spring I think.
In Tucson, I mean.
I'm seriously hoping it proves me wrong about the whole bad luck thing. I'd like to come home and everything still be okay.

I'm sitting outside, and it's perfect. The birds are chirping right next to me. There's a light breeze that sweeps over me and it feels good. Cars are passing by, and they're busy, and loud, but that's okay. Gives me some sort of comfort that I'm not the last one left on this Earth. Do you ever get that feeling? Like there could never be anyone else around again? I get that sometimes.
The weather really isn't bad for such a hot place. It's not burning, and there are a few clouds out.

I'm about to go take either a very long shower, or a very long bath. We'll see.
But it's spring break kids, so be having a blast, I'll see some of you later this week, some when we go back to school.
Have an amazing time.

Girls Day<3

The barbie doll dress! :D









The girls in our dresses:]
Tea is beautiful, I'm debating on getting mine:/ and Cass just looks gorgeous in everything she puts on:]

Yeah. That.

Wow! I've been so outta the loop! And I haven't updated my life lately, so that's what I want to do.
-We'll start with Morp? That was really a blast. During the day Levi's sister got married and I was there for the wedding. :] It was short and sweet. Hung out, and then went over to Bee's to make shirts. The rest of our group was there and it was neat:] Michael and Fran went to Fran's, the girls and Levi went to my house so Levi could pick Fran and Michael up when they were ready. made food (Stir fry, chocolate covered strawberries, and virgin raspberry daiquiris.) and sent Levi to the boys. I went out and put candles in the double decker and when the boys got back, we ate in there! It was sooo neat. Morp was pretty kick a, got pictures taken with the group and then danced. Cass came by and that probably made the night.

-I've started lettrboxing! It's a lot of fun. http://www.letterboxing.org/faq/faq.html#001

-The rest of the week was kind of a blur. Very long, it's all been very long.

-Last Saturday we (Andrea, Justin, Levi, and I) went to Flagstaff. It was really neat, and we had fun. It was only the second time I've been there, and I could live there easily. Just kind of roamed around and explored. Andrea and I have a trip planned to go back sometime in April to go shopping in a little store we fell in love with:] I'm really excited.

-Sunday I got my hair cut:D and then Steph and her mom came and got me and we went and saw a.. friend? of Angie's from years back. he talked about the Hopi's and showed us his land, told us legends and history about thee place. That was REALLY cool. I can't wait to study up on it.

-Tuesday Shay got her license! AND SHE CAN DRIVE HER CAR.That's big.

-Yesterday was Hair's birthday and he invited me to hang out with him, Kim, and Ben. It was neat to get out of the house and hang with people I don't normally. We had a good time and watched It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World. :p

-Today, was alright. My normal schedule seemed weird though, I didn't go to Abel's like I have the last week and a half, but I missed my H-baby. Fairly positive I passed both of my benchmarks, surprisingly enough, for Bio. It was really easy. And then Shay drove us home and Levi hung out for awhile. Not a spectacular day, but good.

Iunno, it's not much, and there's probably more, but it's an update. Thanks for listening :p I'll post more later.

One word.

Spaces.

“Spaces are the worlds in between worlds, where we find nothing or everything. Spaces are the places where one traces patient racers’ paces. Spaces are up and down and left and right. Spaces are back and forth. Spaces are animal. Spaces are vegetable. Spaces are where it ISN’T at.”

“Spaces are forgotten. They are lost in time. Spaces are for people who don’t know what they want, a placeholder. Spaces have meaning, though some people never see that.
You want what you can’t see, what you don’t know.”

Thought these were neat. oneword.com is awsome.

Morp. :]

What can I say? I love them with my whole heart.

:O

4 Things about me

Four jobs I have had in my life:

1. Sam's?

2. Umm, working at my grandma's hotel

3. I did some web stuff for my daddy?

4. Umm, does being a daughter count?

Four places I have lived

1. Show Low, AZ

2. Tucson, AZ

3. Mmm, ANKENY(NOT Mt. Pleasant, thank you MOM.:p), IA (Short time.)

4. Annd San Diego, CA (Also short time.)

Four places I have been:

1. Europe, but only parts.

2. Iowa?

3. Hawaii

4. Minnesota.

Four of my favorite foods:

1. Ahh, Thai food:]

2. Homemade mac'n'cheese.

3. Cream of Wheat.

4. Anything my grandma makes.

Four places I would rather be right now:

1. Iowa

2. Anywhere in Europe

3. With my best friends.

4. With him.

Four friends or relatives I think will respond first:

1. Ahh. Cass, maybe.

2. I don't know.

3. I don't know.

4. No idea.

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.

My dearest Becca Lynn.

She makes me incredibly happy:

kara!!
i freaken love you so much<3
you are the moon in my dark night:D
you always make me smile even when i am at my lowest.

just know that you are a true freind to me. and i love you dearly.

we are the type of friends that when we move away and get wrinkly, we will always know that there is a shoulder to cry on.

you are my dearest friend and i can not even show how much i love you, no matter how hard i try.

no words can describe the joy i get everytime i see your face.

you are my pocket full of sunshine!!!
never change, but if you do, you KNOW i will still be there:D
you amazing, gorgeous, smart, great best friend.

I LOVE YOU<3

It's been.

It's been the best day of this week. Saturday will hopefully be good too, I'm looking forward to it.
Today was a half day, so we got out at noon. Steph, Shay, Blake, Katie, and I went to lunch in Pinetop which was different, and really nice. We went to the Bagel place by the Village 8, and that was amazing. They have vegetarian bagel sandwiches with humus! Soo good.
Saturday, I'm supposed to go to breakfast with our Morp group, then Levi and I are going to his sister's wedding, which will be neat. I'm excited for that. Then, that night is Morp. Who wouldn't be excited?

Things have been so.. weird lately. It's all a sense of detachment, jealousy, annoyed, confused, and.. nothing. I can't even explain it well. I'm trying really really hard to be happy. By next week, I'll hopefully be golden. I'm going to start running again, I'm going to start going on trails and hiking. I'm going to study more, I'm going to make plans. But, for right now, I need to feel how I feel, because I need to get over it on my own. They're things that have to be dealt with. So, I need to figure out how to do that.

It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop.
— Wisdom of Confucius

I was home alone this weekend.

It was different, and nice, and I think if it happened again, I wouldn't be scared. Though I spent Valentine' alone wasn't so cool, but ahh, that's okay. It had a sense of freedom. No one had any expectations of me for a specific day. I could clean on my own time, I could do what I needed to do on my own time. It was different.

Now it's back to normal. Normal life, still different, but that will change.
Everything changes at one time or another.
That's kind of a sad thought. Sometimes I wish some things could stay the same forever. But I know they can't.
Sometimes I wish things would change when they can't.

I miss my best friend. njkd;gi;d

Alright. I'm done ranting and.. all that jazz.
I'ma jet.
See you there.

Awwwh.

-Sigh...

Can I just have endless amounts of money so I could buy these?
Pretty please?
New favorites. Lovee.

Favorite (and least expensive:p):


Then, these:





I love. They're so cute. I HATE EXPENSIVE THINGS.
ANYWAY!
Conferences today. All went well except for Bio, I'm just not retaining the information?
Gotta work on that.
I'll be back.

Huh.

Interesting day? Neat.
I'm not really sure what to make of it.
1. Got yelled at? But, I understand where she's coming from.
2. Compliments- read down.
3. Saw my adoring Cass Marie. jdksfgbdsjk;
4. Went to after-school lunch with Shay and Blake, and then to Coffee Mania. That was kickin.
Now I should probably study, but I'm going to blog first.
Parent teacher conferences tomorrow. That should be interesting.

It's nice, the weather is perfect, I love love love it.
Can someone just tell me why I like the snow so much?
Maybe because I get to dress cute. I got like... three compliments today. It was nice.
Anyway. I'm ready for this weekend. If I get the chance to hang out with Heather, I'll be pretty stoked. I miss that girl. AND SHE NEEDS TO CALL ME.
That'd be nice.
Also, might see Andrea and wee very might possibly hang out.
Andd, Brit wants to see Coraline again.
AND! I'll probably see Steph sometime in there.
Sounds like something I need. YAY THREE DAY WEEKEND!
Though, Valentines Day? Suck. fjkdsbfjks

I need.. to not get jealous so dang easily. Ridiculous? Yes. Worth it? Probably not.
I would just like to keep my best friends my best friends.
Ahh, overwhelming, attached. WHATEVER.
Izzie and George might leave Grey's Anatomy. I think I'll be heartbroken if that happens. Ruined my day.

I need to find words to put how I feel.
Give me a sec.

"You, me and maybe one or two others, we're going to make this the best great depression, ever."
"It does not count if you believe in yourself when it's easy to believe in yourself. It does not count if you believe the world can be a better place when the future looks bright. It does not count if you think you're going to make it when the finish line is right in front of you.
It counts when it's hard to believe in yourself, when it looks like the world's going to end and you've still got a long way to go.
That's when it counts. That's when it matters the most. "
"I won't keep circling the ocean forever, hoping I'll spot your island on the horizon, uncolonised and flying an old, tattered flag. You on the shore with the sand between your toes. "
-Thank you pleasefindthis.blogspot.com for finding the words I can't.

I miss old friends. I miss the ones I have. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could spend all my time with you.

Alright. That's all I got for right now.
I'll probably post more later.


peacee.

Oh, by the way,

This is my new favorite book? It makes me giddy whenever I think about it.
I have a huge list of books I have to read (long list), what I've yet to buy, and what I want-to-read-but-haven't-yet-so-I-shouldn't-buy-quite-yet books.
It gets longer and longer each day.
Anyway. It's on my happy list.
I'm making a happy list.

I don't care whatcha think, as long as it's about me.

The rest of us can find happiness in misery.
Oh how I love me some Fall Out Boy. Sigh.
I'm not sure exactly why, but I know I've been out of my funk guys, and I'm sorry. It's weird, started Saturday..? And hasn't exactly stopped. Weird mood swings, and honest, I'm sick of it. I just want to be happy dammit!
I think there are a couple of major points though, that are bringing me down:

1. All this talk about wanting to leave Show Low and never come back. Yay college, yay new lives, I get the gist. I'm so extremely happy for every single one of you, I just hate the fact that you feel so tied down and want to leave. I don't want to be the one to hold you back, I'm just going to miss you. Shay says at least every other day that there are only four months left, and every single time I hear it, a piece of me breaks. Just small pieces, but once you break enough of them, a whole chunk breaks away. I'm not holding you back, I just wish you knew what leaving is going to do to me. Not just Shay though... all of you. It's not that I don't want you to leave, it's that I love you too much to let you go.
It was probably a realll bad idea to become such good friends with Seniors and Juniors. Suck.

2. All the stress of school is kind of taking it's toll, too. I'm so worked up about getting good grades it's all I think about. "I have to study, I have to study, I have to study." I almost wish it came easily to me, but working for it is nice.. just hard. I need some chill time.

3. I think I need some me time? Or.. some me-and-my-best-friend-hanging-out-laughing time. Quite possibly that's the case. I want to be people friendly... once I'm happy with people again. That's the best I can explain it.


Right now
I am feeling a bit burned out, but still there.

Right now
I am thinking about today.

Right now
I am really wishing I could express my thoughts.

Right now
I am looking forward for the weekend.

Right now
I am wanting to go read my book.

Right now
I want to know what’s wrong with me today...



Food for thought
“There is one thing I have to tell you, just one thing you need to remember always. You are my best friend. You have been that way for a while now and in my heart you always will be. That’s it.”

“I believe in pink, I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.”


Just give me some time. I'll get there.

Babyy

She's precious. :] Love it.

WECOME!

To the world, baby sister.
"hello babies. welcome to earth. it’s hot in the summer and cold in the winter. it’s round wet and crowded. outside, babies, you’ve got about 100 years and there’s only one rule that i know of, babies. god damn, you’ve got to be kind."

Spencer Patrice Hancock, one of the most beautiful things ever.
She's precious, gorgeous, and perfect.
I'll have pictures soon, I'm so excited.
She'll come home Friday and right now is at the hospital with my momma.
I love her already, I can't wait to see what she becomes<3

I wish I wish, upon a fish?

Maybe, I should look at things from a different perspective.
Maybe I should sit down and think about how things are.
Don't get me wrong, I'm the happiest I've been in.. well.. a really long time.
But, honestly, I feel like I should feel bad for doing some things I've done.
I just with I could go back and fix what I did, or approach the situation better now that I know the outcome, because I kills me to hurt people, especially the ones that matter.
So, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm just to chicken to say it to your face.

Anyway. It was a good day. Bio and lunch are probably the highlights of everyday, and hearing Steph rant and yell at people on the road. That's great.

This, right here, made me smile so big:

So, I come to an end with not much to say. Thank you, I'm sorry, and I love each and every one of you.

Food for thought: You and I were alive for a great moment in history.

In your whole life, nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself. And the limit of your self-abuse is exactly the limit of abuse that you will tolerate from someone else.

The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.
- Thanks to http://finallyseeing.tumblr.com/

Barack.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist. To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to the suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world’s resources without regard to effect.

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek, for the world has changed, and we must change with it.
-Barack Obama, our president.

Yes. It is a good heart.

You can love all you can. You can do what you can. You can care all you can. But, in the end, who you end up hurting isn't something you can choose. You can't save everyone, someone is going to get hurt, no matter how much you don't want them to. But, you can't think of everyone else all of the time. Sometimes, you just have to think about what's best for you, how you can make your life better. And, if you save someone else from hurting, well, you've done the best you can do.

Things that have saved me within the last week:
-Being close with my best friend. I love her.
-Good classes. I love them.
-The love of learning? :] Ohh, it's so nice to understand what I'm learning. I love it.
-Them, my friends. Everything they do makes me better.
-Feeling refreshed. Vegetarian, here I come. :p
-Doing well in Bio. I'm passing, I think? It's a wonderful class.
-Good relationships. Even though some are bad, I'm not worrying. Everything will be okay.
-Getting told I'm beautiful. I love compliments?
-Clothes. What more can I say? :]


I can say being sick is NOT on that list, it's suckkeeedd.
This week has been alright though. I'm really enjoying this semester so far. I think it's going to turn out well. :]
We'll see hoe it goes next week.

New.

Starting over, it's a new year. It's weird, because it doesn't seem any different yet, everything is. Everything is new, fresh, a new beginning. Huh.
I feel kind of bad, I had a chance to blog before the new year happened, but I didn't think about it until I read Cass's blog. I feel bad because I won't get a chance to have my say in 2008. It's funky, I know, and not a big deal. I was just thinking about it.
This New Year's was different, I didn't spend it with Heather, or Blake, or Shay. It was weirdest without Shay.
Also, as a tradition, I usually make New Years Resolutions, but this year I didn't.
That really bugs me. So, before the official first day of the new year is over, I'll make some.
The new Kara.:
Forgive easier.
Be nicer.
Be happier.
Go veg for awhile.
Tell the truth all of the time, unless it's seriously going to hurt someone.
Keep the drama out, and the happy in.
Keep "best friends"?
Have a good year, throughout everything.



Anyway, I spent the last minutes of 2008 in a good place, with good people, and ended on a good note.
:] I loved it.


'May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.'