ABC Story.

As I walked down the sidewalk next to him, I thought about the softness of his hand in mine. Behind us , the full moon shone, as brightly as could be. Caressing my back with his free hand gave me shivers down my spine. Down the road we could see my porch light on, my parents surely inside waiting for me to walk in the door from my late night. "Ella, do you really have to go?" he says in the sweetest voice. Finding my voice is hard, I'm afraid I'll ruin this perfect, beautiful image of the night. Graciously, I take his hands in both of mine and say, "You could just stay a little longer than planned... accidentally letting me fall asleep in your arms.." How nice the night smells on my fragile senses. I don't want him to go just yet, praying to God he'll agree to my plan. Joining me on the porch, he and I both realize my parents aren't up, and he's able to take his time and look me in the eyes. Kissing me lightly after his bright blue eyes have memorized every part of me, I think to myself just how in love with him I am. Lips in sync, he realizes I want him just as much as he wants me, right here, right now. Moving slowly into the outdoor swing, padded with cushions, I feel the warmth of him compared to the chill of the night air. Nothing could ever feel as great as this. Of course, he's the only good thing I've felt since I was twelve. Pacing heart, I know I'm not nervous, especially with him being here. Quiet overcomes everything outside, and all I can hear is his strong, healthy heart, and my failing one. Restrictions on my body prevent me from moving faster, I worry my body wont keep up with what will come next. Staring at me, he gives me strength, I know I can handle it. Turning to the door, I'm positive I'll be able to do the thing I've always wanted most. Unless my parents somehow wake up from the quiet creaking of the stairs, I'm golden. Various things cross my mind, as if I'll have all the time in the world, even though I know in a matter of months I'll no longer be here. Wondering if he thinks the same things, I undo his buckle swiftly, I'm not scared because with all my heart I love him. Xanadu is where I'm at, it feels like heaven already. "You love me, don't you?" Zach has always loved me, and I've always known this.

Anyone. Anything.

I feel...
weird. I can't even explain it. I don't know what I want or how I feel or what to say.

I want to be distant, not talk to people for days and have them miss me, and when they see me, it'll be like a celebration. I want to be missed and wanted. I want someone to want me in the best way possible.

I want to fall in love. I want to fall in love with them because they're in love with me. I want love. I want to know what it feels like to love with my whole heart, with everything I have. I want to be crazy about someone, and I want to remind them every day. I want to be everything to someone and not be afraid.

I want a new perspective on life. I want to do the things I'm scared of missing. I want to make a list. I want to be and to live and to love and to breathe and want and need.

I want to dance in the rain. I want to make dreams come true. My dreams, and dreams of people I love.

I want to move away and meet new people that know nothing about me, I want to tell them my life story and I want them to want to listen, and know more. I want to be funny and witty and interesting.

I want to be lost, and have someone find me.

I want to be a late-night waitress and listen to stories of people I meet and get to know them.
I want to sleep embraced in the arms of someone who wants me.
I want to sleep on the beach.
I want to travel up the east coast.
I want to live with my best friend.
I want more than one best friend.
I want to be beautiful because I choose to be that way. I want to get sick so I can bask in the glory of being healthy.
I want a life that always has the right turn in front of me, but I choose the other road because it's full of adventure. I want those turns to turn out perfect, and be a different person that makes different decisions.

I want more choices.
I want to think about different things.
I want to learn more.
I want to be free.



Before I Die
By Jenny Downham, read it.

I. LOVE. THIS.