Come on get higher.

Can I just say how happy I am?
How amazing everything is right now?
Yeah Cass, there's a lot of happy in the air.
It's everywhere.
I'm so happy you're happy. I don't care about anything else. The fact that your honest-to-god happy with the way things are, I'm right there with you honey.
It's just giddy happy. I can't think of a time where I've ever been like this for so long. It's pretty amazing. This break really has been just. Amazing.
Here's how it's been:
Friday (starting the 19) was my first time to Bridal Fair, hung out with Tea, Bee, and my Cass, and Cass&I went on our "date." :p
Saturday(20) Shay's birthday & spending the night at Heather's.
Sunday(21) Heather's, then she came over to my house. Spent the night.
Monday(22) Home, Heater went home, I went & hung out with Forney, Levi, Justin, Andrea, and Athena. Got snowed in.
Tuesday(23) Got home. Stayed home. :]
Wednesday(24) Christmas Eve! The best one.
Thursday(25)Christmas! Family time, good time. :]
Friday(26) Hung out with Shay, Alex, Chelsea, Adrian, Chelsea's family and one of her friends.
Saturday(27) Bee and I hung out, got some books, went and saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.<3 Then, Supernatural! (Squee:D)
Sunday(28) Bee's house, lots of cookies, and The Spirit. That was good too.
Monday(Today!) Hung out with Levi, Justin, Andrea for awhile, that was a blast. Later Bee and Tea joined us and we had all sorts of adventures.

It's just been good. I know what I've done isn't really all that exciting, but it is to me. I always talk about during breaks, I want to do things and not sit at home. This time, I did what I wanted to do. It's been so much fun and I've just been so happy. The fact that I haven't seen Cass since the 19 kind of really bums me out, but I'll see her New Year's Eve. :] I'm just extremely, unconditionally happy. Athena, Andrea, Bee and I (at separate times) all got a bit closer, which really just warms my heart. They're such good people and I love them a whole lot. It's insane. I never would have figured things would work out the way they have lately.
I'm just happy about being happy, that Shay and Cass are happy, too.
If anything, I would want them to be happy all the time. Right now, they are.

I know. It's not much to read. Just me going on about how great everything is, but I don't care- so suck it. :]

Incoming: New Year's Eve, New Year's, and a whole bunch of starting over.
It's a good thing.

Christmas time. <3

It was a good Christmas. Really good. I haven't been feeling the spirit, but it was nice to hang with family. Blake and Steph even came for most of the day and had dinner with us. It really had nothing to do with presents, because I don't really care, though those were great too. :]
List? Sure. :]
1. Like, seven books. To kill a Mockingbird, Fight Club, The first Harry Potter(I needed a new one), The Other Boleyn Girl, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, The Audacity of Hope, and The Tales of Beetle the Bard. I'm really excited to read them. I'll start soon. :]
2. Clothes, awesome awesome clothes. I was really excited, I'll start wearing them tomorrow:p I love clothes. :D
3. My Iowa Hoodie! My grandma got me one from Iowa, I've wanted one forever. Basically made my day, along with something else, but never mind that.
4. Some other random things, a towel, I think, some soaps, a bracelet, and an adorable teddy bear:] (Cass, I'll tell you the story when I talk to you.)

All in all, it was great. We had a family dinner, and watched WallE. I loved it.
Today was great. Thanks guys.

Take me away.

It's snowing.
Big beautiful flakes.
It's snowing and I've just spend the last three days better than anyone could imagine.
It's been great, and I really think this break could be amazing.

"To escape the rut of a rotten life and become a someone... I've been hiding this somewhat perennial persona of myself for almost years.
The great great white world that has been drained of all its color has slowly been drifting away outside the window. I could write and write a million words to kill the strain, but it'd be useless.. you made it all to me. The green day-- for closure has been enclosed in the words of "yellow led better" (a box or a bag). Make something of this useless nonsense, because I was merely a senior. High high, high school to be the last resort to feel almost alive and the acquitted somewhat retarded girl. I have spoken the peace of peace. When the sun vacates for so long, you almost forget what the beams taste like. "

There have been a lot of signs. Signs that show everything will turn out how it's supposed to. It's not even funny.
Everything is perfect even with the fact that it's not. Nothing is ever perfect. But it can be perfect for me, for you.
For us.

It's funny. You can never really predict the future. It's kind of like guess and check. You think that one thing will happen, and a completely different thing occurs. It's cool to have a life that never gets boring. All in the same, it's kind of scary. I like knowing that everything's good. So for now, I won't worry.

I have so many people to thank how I feel right now, it's ridiculous.
I love it.

I think I've gotten my hip re-attached. It feels good. I've missed her. More than she knows.
I really think I know who my close friends are.
They're here, they know who they are, I thank them.

Just like that, within fifteen minutes, I'm living in a winter wonderland. It's crazy beautiful, insanely cold, and so very happy.
Cass makes me feel crazy happy. I love that girl with my whole heart.

It's good.

Bahah.

Heather says I'm Bret.
Cause I'm a weedy shy guy?
Not.
It's us, supposedly:]

When the world says give up, hope says try it one more time.

Snow makes everything better. It brings back memories, makes new ones, makes me feel good. Winter, considering from Halloween to probably the middle or end of March, are the best months.
I guess I can't explain it, because every season brings memories, but summer and winter are the main two.
Winter is my favorite time of year. The cold, the snow, the clouds, it all makes me feel a certain way that I don't feel anytime else.
There's Christmas, and New Years. They change everything. Relationships with people begin, and some end, some stay the same. Things happen that you wont ever be able to recreate.
Like, how the people who've been here awhile can remember back to the year it snowed 3 feet in March, How last year it snowed during June even, I guess maybe they're just things that you can't change.
Examples:
This year, I performed my first play and had my first kiss? in the beginning of November.
Last year, in November, was the first time Heather and I met, and instantly, we became best friends.
Last year, Tucker, Tierra, Heather, Shay and I played in the snow and built snowmen that we plowed over with Tucker's car.
My seventh grade year, late October or November, I met Cassidi, one of the people I count on the most this year. We've known each other for three or four years. It's crazy.

Things just happen.
I have the best memories of winter, in winter.
:]

My Happy list.

Happy happy happy<3


1. Snow, playing in the snow, when it's snowing, etc.
2. Christmas time.
3. Long intelligent conversations.
4. When my mom makes me french toast.
5. Myspace?
6. My Cassidi.
7. Reading for long periods of time.
8. Anything that happens during Winter break.
9. Blogging.
10. Sweet compliments.
11. Being warm when it's cold outside.
12. Getting clothes, buying clothes, clothes in general.
13. Baking for Christmas.
14. Christmas shopping.
15. Going to my grandma's old house in Iowa.
16. Having a clean room.
17. Talking and laughing with my Heathy.
18. Being happy.
19. Movies.
20. Showering.
:]

The person you want to be is not nearly as important as who you are right now.

I think the snow factor lately has had a huge improvement on my attitude. It's great. I just feel happy, I am happy. With a few other exceptions, but it's almost winter break, I've got a lot of my Christmas shopping done, I get to bake, it's been snowing, it's just a good time of year.
Christmas season is my favorite.

I feel like I don't have much to talk about, everything's just been good.
I miss Heather. I really do. It's weird, I barely ever see her anymore, I feel like I don't know what to do to fix our relationship. It's hard, hopefully winter break will help everything out, I really want it to. We used to be attached at the hip. Now I don't know where my hip went.

With that being as it is, I've become closer with some other friends, and even made new ones. Leah and Hair pretty much make my life.
Hair's been a good friend, and I really hope after this semester, even when we don't have a class together, that we're still good friends. He's a great person.

Leah just listens to all my complaining, I really appreciate it.

Cass and I have bonded a lot lately. I don't know what'd I'd have without her. I love her with my very whole heart.

This year will leave on a good note.
I'm glad to at least have that.

Everything else will fall into place when it's supposed to.

Because of you.

I love this blog, it helps me breathe. I look forward to reading it every day. It's the reason I wake up, besides Cassidi:p


I spend most of my nights outside, looking for ways to make you smile.

I don't care how many fish there are in the sea. I don't want a fish. I want you.

It's not your watch I care about. It's the time you keep.

Wait. But don't wait too long. Work hard. But don't forget how to play. Sing loudly. But don't learn all the words. Wonder. But not so much that you lose yourself. Read magazines. But read more books.
Love.

You don't have to be the person you tell people you are. You can just be who you are.

Just tell them how you feel. Is anyone going to die?
No.
But one day, you will.
Would you like to do that before or after you tell them?

Let love not be like lightning. Let me feel this way again one day, even if I lose you.

Create. Not because you want to or because the mood grabs you or just because you happen to feel like it. Create because you need to. Because it feels like if you don't, you might die.

The most creative thing you can do is tell the truth.

If you're looking for love, you won't find it.
If you're not, you will.

I miss you sitting next to me. I miss you falling asleep. I miss carrying you to bed. I miss looking at the ceiling and listening to you breathing.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

I hope you get what you want or you want something new. I hope you appreciate how you feel now when you start to feel differently. I hope you spend your time with someone you love, even it's just you.

You decide every moment of every day who you are and what you believe in.
You get a second chance, every second.

You can be happy tomorrow. You can be happy when you get through your list of things to do. You can be happy when you meet the one. You can be happy when you get the right job. You can be happy when you get that raise. You can be happy when you stop buying the things you need and start buying the things you want. You can be happy when you retire. You can be happy when the weather suits you. You can be happy on a plane. You can be happy in the rain.

Or you can stop reading this, take a deep breath, and be happy right now.

Love. Happy happy love.

I think I can be happy without wanting things. I wanted things so badly, and once you get your hopes up- if they get crushed, you get crushed. It doesn't work.
Today my family, with the help of Blake, put up the Christmas tree. Before we did, my mom said, "It's not important, it's not like there will be any presents to put under it anyway."
It kind of broke my heart. Christmas is a big deal in my family, not necessarily the holiday itself, but the Christmas spirit in general. It felt like my mom crushed the spirit, I just felt really bad. It's a little hard to put in words, I just didn't think any of my family would say something like that.
Sure, we are pretty dirt poor right now, but that doesn't mean things won't get better. I don't really mind not having presents, it's not like I need anything, but Christmas is about being happy. It kind of hurt.

This weekend was a bit boring. I didn't really do much of anything, watched movies and cried, but I think it was the good kind of crying. P.S. I love you was something worth crying over if that makes any sense. It was a cute movie.
Tonight Shay, Nick, and I saw Twilight. I realized how much I really do hate it, and frankly I don't know why I saw it twice. I thought it was horrible, I had better expectations. Whatever.

It was neat to hang out with a person I don't know well, someone new, and he's a really great person. It was sweet. I need to meet new people.
Not saying I don't love the people that are in my life, I've really needed them.
New things are just good, too.
I've been in a weird place lately, and I need people. I need Shay basically more than anyone, but I've been thinking about how she's leaving next year. So is my Blake, Cass, Dylan, Fran, a whole chunk of my heart is leaving. I was talking to Shay tonight and said that when she leaves, my heart is going to be ripped in half and stomped on ten times. It's going to hurt. I love her more than anyone. It's hard to think she's not going to be here every day.
I'll be happy.
Get happy.
Happier.
Soon.

Not a chance.

Fine, feeling fine.
Happy, conditionally.
Love, more than I should.
Trust, more than worth it.

I've loved that feeling. The feeling of being fine. It'll change, always does, already has. It's weird. I haven't wanted anything so much before to just let it all go. Things wont change how I feel right now, that much I know. I wish they would.

Hair says I'm too kind. I don't think it's so much as kind, but I just do. I do things for people I care about. Think I care about. Cared about. I like being happy, I'll still be happy. I'll be fine. I know.

Today changed a lot. Feelings for people, reasoning, most things changed today. I felt bad I couldn't help my best friend when she needed it just because I couldn't skip math. That kind of hurt.
I got hurt today.
Not enough to not recover from it anytime soon. Maybe a week. Maybe a month. I can't judge my emotions that far. But I'm fine. I just need some comfort. Kind of badly.

I'm done, as of now, having a pity party for myself. Done.

Giving Thanks

Basically, if it weren't for the people that are in my life right now, I would be a complete mess. I owe you everything I have, and love you with my entire heart, I promise. Thanks guys. You mean more than you know.


Shayshay,
Blake,
Heather,
Levi,
Cassidi,
Deanna,
Britni,
Steph,
Franny,
Dylan,
Mom,
Dad,
and the rest of my whole family.
THANK YOU





Have a great Thanksgiving.

Hearing your voice, it's like music.

I had to, I read Cassidi's and I'm like hey, I'm going to go do that now! :] Thankss.
10 nice things to say to 10 different people.

1. You are the strongest and most important person I know. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be half the person I am now. I need you more than anything or anyone. I tell you everything, and you give me the advice I need. I need you, but not only because you make me food. :p It's a good thing you're all mine:]

2. You were there for me during the hardest part of this year. For that, I thank you. But really, you mean more to me than a lot of people. You're one of the kindest people I know, and you help me breathe. I can talk to you about what's going on with me, and you don't get jealous, or mad, or annoyed. You love me and you listen.<3

3. You are my sunshine. I think about you and I smile at the thought. We've had the best times together, and learned that fighting just makes us closer. You're the only one that makes me laugh so hard my tummy hurts. You know so much about me, I'm sorry I can never focus. We'll get it back, I promise.

4. You drive me everywhere, let me yell at you, and laugh at me when I'm mad. You make fun of me and wrestle with me, I love you. You make me happy when I don't want to be, and attempt to make me laugh at myself because I sound stupid. You show me how to be myself. <3

5. I think you're one of the main reasons I've been happy lately. Just being around you makes me feel safe, and I love it. You care about me, and no matter what happens, I'll be there for you. You mean a lot to me already, and I know you will in the future. Thank you for everything you've done, I owe you. I'm sure we're going to go far:]

6. I miss being best friends with you. I envy you in so many ways. It's so easy to talk to you, it reminds me of how things used to be, and I'm sorry we're not like that anymore, but we'll be fine. We may not be "best friends", but we can be close, and that's good enough for me, because I love you:]

7. You're one of those people that's not afraid to do things. I love hanging out with you, you're just so out there. We have the same interests and you make me laugh, which is a must. I love you to death honey.

8. I'm sorry I don't show how much I really do care about you. You've changed a lot, even for the better. It's because of you I know myself. You don't question everything and you take it for what it is. You support Shay any Blake, which is more than I can say for a lot of people, and that means more to me than I can say.

9. Although you were very controlling, you helped me become a beginner actress. It was hard, and you deserve more gratitude. I owe you more than I can show.

10. I don't know you well, but you make me happy. I'm sorry for what I might do hurts you, just know that I'm not trying to- it's not my intention. Sometimes, things just happen. I know that I love you, even just barely, and I hope we can be good friends in the future. :]

All I Ask.

Could you be the one to make me fall?
I am always running, will you follow?
Catch me if you dare, tame me and I'll never go.
All I ask is that you'll love me.
And should you cry, I'll drink your tears,
I would kill your enemies,
Walk into a burning house to save you,
And all I ask is that you'll love me.
All I ask is that you'll love me.
If I fall again.

I remember when I was jealous of my friends. Of my good friends. Maybe that's why I was friends with them at all, but I doubt that. But it's like.. Cass, I think maybe I was jealous of her because she was so beautiful, she was loved by everyone that was around her. There was Deanna, She was the most gorgeous person I knew. She got all the attention & always got what she wanted. Why, I'm not sure, but she wasn't afraid to ask for things. Maybe it wasn't jealousy, maybe it was envy. I could have just been proud. Proud that they were my friends. I got to claim them as mine. Maybe it's because I wanted to be like them.

Now, I don't. I like being me. I know who I am, and I'm proud of myself. Proud there's no one like me. Now, I'm happy that they call me their friends. Cass, Heather, Deanna. Yeah they're my friends, but now I'm theirs too. I'm creating who I want to be one step at a time, by myself- so that I can be proud of who and where I am.

I think I like being wanted. Feeling loved, feeling safe. Maybe half the time that's all I want, and I'm cool with that, cause I also know that's what I have. I know I'm loved. I know I'm safe. I know my ground.

Right now, I just need to stabilize my relationships with the people I care about and set them in the places they're supposed to be in my mind. Everyone has they're own category in my head, I just gotta get my priorities straight.
I gotta get my head straight.

I like this whole "being happy" thing. It's what I need.

10.

10 things you wish you could say to ten different people right now:

1) I love you.
2) I'm sorry for being a bitch, I know he's only your friend.
3) Thanks for supporting me. You mean a ton.
4) Don't leave me, okay?
5) I need you.
6) You mean more now than ever. Just stick around, k?
7) I'm all for it. Really. :]
8 ) I miss you.
9) Please leave, I don't like you.
10) It'll all be worth it.

9 Things people probably don’t know about you:

1) I love being cold.
2) I hate soda.
3) I love dirtbiking.
4) I wish I had a pet snake.
5) I want to be a vegetarian.
6) I hate myspace.
7) I want to be a doctor when I grow up.
8 ) I still watch cartoons with my little brother.
9) I have an obsession with jackets.

8 ways to win your heart:

1) Compliment me.
2) Make me laugh.
3) Watch chick flicks with me.
4) Tell the truth.
5) Be able to talk to me.
6) Allow me to do things even if I think I can't.
7) Make me feel wanted.
8) Make me think.

7 awesome movies:

1) Charlie Bartlett
2) V for Vendetta
3) The Notebook
4) Pulp Fiction
5) The Princess Bride
6) Rent
7) The Breakfast Club

6 things you do before you fall asleep:

1) Shower
2) Brush my teeth
3) Wash my face
4) Occasionally laundry
5) Read
6) Set alarm

5 people who mean a lot: (no order)

1) Shay
2) Jake
3) Molly
4) Mom
5) Dad

4 things you don’t like:
1) Chapped lips :p
2) Ignorance
3) People
4) Dirty clothes

3 things you like:
1) Food. haa
2) Brushing my teeth
3) The smell and feel of Christmas.

2 things you want to do before you die:
1) Become a doctor
2) Sky Dive

1 confession
1) I do care what people think, but I care more about how I feel if this happens.

Just so

Relieved. You know that feeling after you've done something great? The amount of adrenaline in your system that just makes you soar? After you've done something, and you know you've done it well, how great it feels? I can't explain it to someone who doesn't know what that feels like. To be just so happy you can't think about anything else? You don't care what's wrong, all you know is you've done well, and you're just.. happy. How your heart beats and your head twirls, how you can't walk straight and can't stop smiling.. can't you feel it? The energy, the excitement, the joy, the gratification? Can't you feel it in the atmosphere?
No, but I can.
I feel it everywhere. I could go anywhere and feel it.
I couldn't explain how wonderful it feels.
How happy I am.
How great it is not not worry about anything.
To be loved, not hurt.
To be happy, and not sad.
To be excited, and not tired.
To not being able to sleep.
To just be.
Just be.


Yeah, I can feel it.

Me me me.

Today, I woke up happy. I just felt like it was going to be a good day, and it really was.
Went to first hour, PE, and just ran & messed around. It was pretty bomb. I love the kids in there.
Second hour we worked in the auditorium for the fire scene and got it down pretty well- I'm proud to say tonight was the best fire we've had thanks to the people who worked on it this morning:]
Lunch, I went with Cass and Haylee bee to Safeway and just hung out. Cass exploded her soda water everywhere and we all laughed for ten minutes. It was pretty great.
Third hour, we went to an assembly and got rallied up just for the heck of it. The dance team was amazing and the band blew everyone's socks off. No wonder they got a superior:]
Fourth hour I understood what we're actually doing, which is relieving. I was getting worried because I didn't understand it. Now, I'll probably pass math. I'm pretty stoked about that most definitely.
After school, my Heather came over and we hung out until call. I cleaned my room and had some laughs. Bogus.
Call was great, I wasn't stressed and only a little nervous. Leah curled my hair and did a great job- it actually held. I got done early and was really excited to go on stage. Got into character and had a lot of energy- which was good, my family was there<3
All in all, it was a great day. I'm really upset it's all over, for me at least. Tomorrow will be good, but I really am going to miss this cast. Within the two weeks we've performed, we've all gotten closer. I love them like a family, and for the most part, we get along. They all made me feel so good tonight, I really think I proved myself and did well as my last night. My family complimented me endlessly, friends too, even people I didn't know. This one lady asked for my autograph. It was a little weird, but at the same time gratifying. It was wonderful, at the least, I don't know what I'm going to do now. I'll actually have a life.
A social life..
The play was so much a part of me for so long, it's going to be hard to let it go. It's going to be weird not to have things to do after school. I'm really not going to be able to get used to it for awhile. I loved today, and these last two months. I loved it.

Closing night tomorrow. They'll all rock and I'll get to be backstage cheering them all on. I'm so excited and so sad at the same time. It's like I don't know what to feel.
I love right now.

Damn good?

Honey, you got it right. Life is damn good. More than you might think. I'm so happy to be where I am. Things just have to stay this way. I hope they stay this way. God I hope they stay this way.

1. I'm going to miss you so much when you leave me. No matter how close or far, I'll miss you. You are one part of me, more than anyone. You mean the world to me, and when you leave, I'm not going to let you keep me away. You're my savior for everything that's happened to me. Without you, I wouldn't be me. I love you.

2. Yes, I love your obnoxious singing, I love it to death. I love your pearly white teeth, your bright blue eyes, you blond eyelashes. I love your laughter, it lights you up, makes me feel better inside. If it weren't for you last year, I don't know how I would have made it through the whole summer. Honey, you're the best. Sure we've had hard times, but really, at the end of the day, I couldn't stand myself if it weren't for you. You pick me up and make me feel good. You make me laugh, and I love you.

3. Sorry, I don't think it's cool that you got drunk and made a fool of yourself. I love you, but seriously?

4. I want it to happen, I think it would be a good thing if we went with the flow, saw what happened in a new experience. After all, what've we got to lose?

5. I'm sorry I get so jealous so easily, it's how I am. I love you truly and dearly, so don't leave me okay?

6. Stop tring to take my best friend? She doesn't want you honey, so leave.

7. I love you. Thank you for being happy for me when I needed it the most. You mean a lot, and we have a lot to go through within these next four years, and I hope we'll see eachother out through it all, cause I won't make it without you.

Cherry Valance?

It's official, I am now Cherry Valance. Quite literally on the stage. It's my dream come true, at most. Although opening night was a MESS, it went alright for having no preparation. By Saturday matinee, we were golden:] I was told I was an amazing actress by a director of the college, which boosted my self esteem. It was pretty great, I can't wait to perform for my family this weekend. I'm going to miss it, the drama, and the love we all feel now, what, 2 months in? As much as I thought I wouldn't say it, I'm kind of going to miss this cast, no matter how much they made me cry. It was all worth it.
We all went to Denny's after the last Saturday performance, and though that could have been grander, what happened after was better. To say the least, it was a good day. :]

Cass, you're my hero. You've helped me more than I could have asked for, I don't know what I would have done without you during this whole ordeal. You're my anchor, my rock, you keep me standing on my feet. I don't want what we've established in these two months to go away. Your friendship means more than I can put into words. I love you, okay?

It's 9:52 and there's about an inch? of snow on the ground. Say hello to winter kids, it's here. Hopefully, we wont have a snow day tomorrow. I'm looking forward to school.
In the least, I just want to say that through everything, my life is wonderful. If it weren't for this play, the drama, the heartache, I've made it through it all and now everything is okay. I'm excited with everything now. We have another week to perform, then the 19? I leave for Thespian Conference. I'm stoked.

:D Thanks guys.

OBAMA

OBAMA IS PRESIDENT!
HE WON HE WON HE WON!!!!
OH MY GOD!


Holy shoot.

Tag tag tag.

What are the last three things you purchased?
My Flight 409
Taco Belll
And I'm sure some other food.

What are the last three songs you downloaded??
Uhh, lemme check my iTunes?

What are the last three places you visited??
Uhh, does the auditorium count?
Tucson, Az,
aanndd I don't remember where else.

What are your three favorite movies??
Charlie Bartlett
The Other Boleyn Girl
Cashback
(for today:p)

What are your three favorite possessions??
My Night Night :D
My Outsiders BOOK
Hair Ties

What three things can you not live without??
Love
Food
Oxygen :D

but no,
my toothbrush,
internet,
musiccc

What would be your three wishes??
1.) Long long curly curly hair.
2.) For Obama to win, WAIT HE ALREADY DID!
3.) to be happy

What three things haven’t you done yet??
1.) blogged today!
2.) moved into my room
3.) my homework

What are your three favorite dishes??
homemade mac'n'cheese
chicken gnocchi from Olive Garden

Which three celebrities would you most like to hang out with??
Jim Sturgess
Barack Obama!
Brad Pitt

Name three things that freak you out??
1.) Not eating.
2.) The Elections
3.) Fighting

Name three unusual things you are good at.?
1.) Not singing
2.) Reading out loud?
3.) Wonderful grammar

Which three things are you coveting??
1.) iPod times three
2.) my friends
3.) my happiness

Tag three bloggers to do it!?
umm, Shay
Alex
My mom?

Really? Really really?

I miss old theatre. I miss the feel, the atmosphere, the people, the times, the happiness.
This play has taken everything I have. I feel so empty. I'm never happy. If I am, it's only for maybe a day, two at most. Then something goes wrong that gets me down again. I'm so sick of being sad, of having no one to depend on. I know, my blogs are all about complaining now. Sorry guys. I just want to be happy. It's kind of like what Cass and I were talking about yesterday. How being a freshman was like being fresh. I can be happy after I get over this road bump, after I get around it, after I find some way over it, I'll be okay. It just seems like once I get past that road bump, I have to get over ten more to be okay. It's so hard, and I'm so tired of it. I mean, I feel like I just attract drama, and I don't even want it, not one bit. I was happy Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. It was so so nice not to have to worry about anything, and just be. You know? I just feel like this play, the people I used to love and now hate each other, like it's all bringing me down all of the time. I need help. I want to be done. Done being sad.
I ask for too much, but, can't I just be happy without someone having to bring me down? Without someone wanting to rain on my parade because I'm happy?

Sorry guys, I'm sick of being a downer too. Really, I promise. It'll be over soon.

Whatever you like,

I've read some things lately, and talked to people, I think I know what I really want. What I need. What I have, and how I'm acting.

Want: I want to be able to rely on people. I want someone, anyone, to love me forever, just because they can deal with me no matter what. Sure, I get on my rough spots *cough cough right now cough.* but, who cares? If someone really wants me, they really care and are willing to be committed to be there for me, they wouldn't leave me the instant they find something better. They'll still love me for me. Because we'll be able to balance each other. I want that.

Need: I need to be happy, to be strong, but careless at the same time. I miss when I didn't have to worry, when there wasn't drama, when I didn't cry every night. No one really gets how I feel, what kind of person I really am. Then again, sometimes I don't even know myself- but that's not the point. I want to be back to where I could love unconditionally and be happy no matter what. Even the fake smiles. Now, I can't even do that- I feel like I bring everyone down. I'm sorry guys.

Have: I have people I love. People that do care, even if they don't understand why I'm acting the way I am, or how I'm feeling. Shay gets how to be there, Cass knows how to make me happy, Nicole knows how to get me to talk, Blake knows how to make me laugh and feel better about myself, Dylan knows how to let me rant and be angry when I shouldn't. They're there in different ways, and they all love me. I should trust more, but I also need a base to rely on, you know?

Acting: I'm acting like a girl. I'm acting like a bitch. But I'm also being reasonable and rational. More so than one would think. I know what has happened to me, and I've pulled away- but I don't know how to get back, how to stop. I can't let things be, I always have to "feel bad." I make myself think things through- then throw it all away because I'm sad, or angry, or annoyed. I need to stop.


I'm not necessarily happy with the way things are right now, but I have a good life, I know good people, and I love and need much more than one should. I love who's there for me- so thanks guys. I'm sorry I've been such a bust.

Obsessive Compulsive.

I think I'm.. friend-intolorent? Thats not a word, but whatever. I can't keep friends to save my life. I don't know what is wrong with me. I say all the wrong things at exactly the wrong time. I speak how I feel when no one wants to actually know. It's not fair. I'm so confused. I'm not sure if someone will take it completely the wrong way, but I never have any way of fixing it.

I'M SORRY.
for whatever I did.
Really, this is pointless. I miss our relationship. Truly.
So, I Could just stop talking. To everyone I care about. Maybe then I wouldn't screw up.

Watch out Cass, I could make you mad next, and then everyone I ever cared about will be against me.
I love you:]



fbgjkdbgjfdbgj.
Please, kill me now.

Yeah, Like everyone else.

One. I love dirt biking. Or quadding. From like 6-8th grade, I was bomb at it, and I loved it. It took my stress away and the adrenaline is fantastic. I really want to get back into it.

Two. I love school. I love learning, knowing things, and being able to know them. The though that I have the ability to learn fascinates me.

Three. I've never kissed a boy. Not really anyway. It's weird, I think I would have by now, but I haven't. It's not that I've avoided it, it just never happens. Which leads to-

Four. I've never had like a real boyfriend. Sure the whole 6th grade crushes- "oh see that boy on the other side of the playground? Yeah, he's my 'boyfriend.' " Now that I think about it, I really want one. But I guess all they are is trouble.

Five. Up until 8th grade, I had never, not once, gotten below a B. Never. 8th grade, I got the worst grades I had ever gotten- a C- and a D+, and it was in algebra. I think I'm math dyslexic. I suck at it.

Six. One of my favorite things to do is read, and I don't really care at all if I'm made fun of for it. I love it so much, it could make me puke. Love it.

Seven. In the last 2 years, during a school week- I haven't gone to bed before 10. Not once.

Eight. I hate soda. No matter how much I drink it, even if I like it then, I hate it. It makes me feel sick. It's too sweet.

Nine. I was vegetarian for 3 months. I know I could have gone longer, but I just wanted to see what it was like, and it really wasn't that hard. Soon, I'm hoping to do it again. And all for the right reasons.

Ten. I actually really like sports, but I'm not really that good. If I practiced I could be, but I don't.

Eleven. As a Freshman, I have the lead part in the fall play, and it's freaking hard. I'm really not that good of an actress, but I love it.

Twelve. I always have to have a best friend, even if I have more than one, which happens more commonly than I would like.

Thirteen. I never can love more than one person all the same. It's never fair to me, but I love more than my heart can handle.

Fourteen. I shop at all the stores everyone else does. Abercrombie, American Eagle, Aero, But I also have my very own style. I make it my own. :]

Fifteen. I'm a clean freak. My room will be a mess, and I can clean it spotless in less than 25 minutes. I love organizing- it's weird. I have a knack for knowing where things should go.

Sixteen. I really don't like watching T.V. much. It kind of annoys me, all except the office and Grey's. And, like every parent, mine used to tell me if I watched it too much, my brain would turn to mush. I actually believed them until I was like nine.

Seventeen. I'm told often I act much more mature than my age. Which, to me, I take as a good thing. I like being able to connect with people older than me, though I'm much younger. So I'm told.

Eighteen. I've fallen in love with blogging, and it takes up way too much of my time. I love telling about my dull life, even if no one's listening.

Nineteen. I'm a really good speller. When I was in 6th grade, my sister was a Freshman (even now) and she would ask me how to spell things. It's been going on for years. I just know the sounds, and if I see a word that's spelled weird, I remember it for exactly that reason.

Twenty. When I believe in something, I'll fight for it if someone disagrees. I'm very strong about my opinions.

Twenty one. (Refer to number nine.) I have to know where people belong in my life. They have to have a spot and I have to know exactly what I need them for. Even if it's just for loving them.

Twenty two. I don't really use people. Not for my convenience. I love being able to rely on people, even if I can't. I do anyway.



more to commmeee.

Selfishly me.

Thanks Cass. I love you.


1. Who are you?

2. Are we friends?

3. When and how did we meet?

4. How have I affected you?

5. What do you think of me?

6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?

7. How long do you think we will be friends?

8. Do you love me?

9. Do you have a crush on me?

10. Would you kiss me?

11. Would you hug me?

12. Physically, what stands out?

13. Emotionally, what stands out?

14. Do you wish I was cooler?

15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?

16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

17. Am I loveable?

18. How long have you known me?

19. Describe me in one word.

20. What was your first impression?

21. Do you still think that way about me now?

22. What do you think my weakness is?

23. Do you think I'll get married?

24. What makes me happy?

25. What makes me sad?

26. What reminds you of me?

27. If you could give me anything what would it be?

28. How well do you know me?

29. When's the last time you saw me?

30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

31. Do you think I could kill someone?

32. Do you miss me?

33. Do you think i miss you?

34. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

Homecoming 2008

They aren't the best pictures, but they're what I have.

The group (left to right) Paula, Blake, Shay, Dylan, Matt, Athena, Levi, and myself.

I love.

Homecoming- 3 days. I'm so excited. My dress is gorgeous, even though it's not fancy or anything. It's just going to be so much fun. We're just really hanging out for the day date, nothing super special- just quadding. I love it. It's going to be a blast.

Today was an on and off day. Off- Algebra and PE. I hate them more than anything. On- Half of play practice and talking to my Cass about blogging eachother, homecoming, and our dresses. I love that girl to the moon and back. I'm trying to make things better. Really trying.

Like a Mountain.

I really want to know if I'll be able to get along on my own. I really do. Things are a mess, and I cry almost every night. I mean, we have less than four and a half weeks left until opening, and I've only really blocked one scene, of which I don't really even know. It's hard. I wish I could act. I need support, and my family has more than been there for me. I'm just not sure I can do it.

Shay leaves in less than 7 months. She'll do great things, I know, but my heart breaks when I think about how far away she'll be, and how happy she'll be- without me. I love her with everything I have. She thinks I'm so strong. I'm really not. How will I be able to make it without her? Things are hard,and they'll just get harder. So I'm going t be optimistic. Cass makes a very valid point. She climbed a mountain all by herself. She's moving on. I wish I could be that strong. I need her, too.

I need to be as strong as her and Shay. I look up to them so much.

So I need to be able to look after myself. I need to be able to look up to me. I need to be able to count on myself. It's the only way I'll ever be strong. As strong as the people I look up to.

Um,

THINGS ARE NOT BETTER.

It was a great weekend, sure, but I had to come back to reality sometime.
This wasn't the way I wanted it to happen, FYI.
So can I just know who my real friends are so I don't have to deal with this? Not cool guys, not cool.
The people (person?) I trusted 98% of the time disappointed me beyond belief. I happen to care about what happens to the people I love. I'd rather cut you completely out of my life then to see Shay hurt. And she's going to get hurt- is hurt. So thanks. Some 'best friend?'
Don't think so.
I can take care of myself. I have every other time, haven't I? It's been worse, I could have no friends, none that care, fake ones. This isn't so bad. I have people that care about me, right? I can deal, you, might not be able to. And maybe if you hadn't done this to my family, yes, family, I would still trust you. I'm not sure I do. Prove to me I should, that I should want to.

I'm not failing math, I'm doing pretty well considering. I have a B average, so how come I'm so angry? B's are good, and maybe I'm too hard on myself, but I don't think so. I worked hard enough for an A, I worked really hard. It's not fair. I want to kick my ass for not getting an A. This last year I didn't get the best grades, in math anyway. I'm pushing for it. So how come I can't accomplish what I want? Why can't for once, something go my way?

I love my family, and my friends, the ones I know will be there for me at least for right now. I need help. Really, Emotional breakdown, T minus 5 days. It's going to happen. I can't stand not being able to keep control of myself. High school is hard. Shit.

save tonight, fight the break of dawn.

Come tomorrow, tomorrow I'll be gone.
Miss high school drama queen. I feel like it. I can't stand being stressed anymore, so hopefully, after this weekend, everything will be okay.
I know, I'm too needy. I need people, not things. I can't stand not having a 'best friend' at one time or another. I get jealous easily. I complain too much. I'm used. But then again, I make myself fall into all of it. I think my deal is (with the exception of family issues) that I'm reall scared to be abandoned. It's seriously scares me. I have to keep what I love close, otherwise I'll lose it all. For example, Shay wants to go to Alaska for college. I'm afraid we'll drift apart, that I won't see her anymore, that I'm going to miss her more than anyone could ever imagine. She's one of the only people I will not be able to lose. And of she moves in with Blake? I do not want to be replaced. I know, I'm family, but he's her boyfriend, and he's important. I do know this. But she's mine. My sister.

I love Heather, I love Cass, and I love Deanna. Wanting them all to be my best friends all at the same time, but in different ways isn't going to happen. I have a fail safe idea of reality, and it always gets to me. Always.
I'm jealous, yes. But protective at the most. because I know I'm going to have to help when things go wrong.
I'm most usually the rebound. Like a boyfriend, but in the friend sense.
I love my friends. I also need to get over myself.

1. List 20 things you want to say to 20 different people but you know you never will.

2. Don’t say who they are.

3. Feel free to comment, but don’t confirm or answer anything.

4. Never discuss it again.

- i want things to be like they were, and im trying.. but i dont want to try.

- i miss who you used to be.

-i envy you most, don't you know?

- you're so confident, it makes me proud.

- no, it really isn't cool to sneak out to hang with someone who's going to use you anyway.

- let us make up our own flippin characters. stop playing us like puppets.

- i want to be good enough for you, but it's hard when you don't notice me.

- i love your humor, but i can't take it all the time. you're a little overwhelming.

- i know your problems, but because i hang out with them doesn't mean you should exclude me too.

- you're the funniest kid i know.

- i don't hate you, and im really going to miss you.

- i hate you so much, don't act like we're friends and try to take all my others away. i don't care about you and neither do they.

- don't be controlling, just let things happen.

- if i had the courage and it wasn't weird, it'd be so cool to go to homecoming with you, yeah.

- please stop using me?

- no, actually, you're really annoying.

- i miss me being there too.

- we should be best friends for real.

- i cant stand youuu.

- when you don't complain all the time, you're really fun.

Being me..

I’m gonna freak out, soon. I snapped a lot today, luckily to the people that care about me and don’t take it personally. I feel bad all the same. It was the first rehearsal and still stressful, and not a lot actually got done, just worse. I have confidence, things just need to chill.

I have to keep my grades up, first for eligibility, and second because I’m aiming for straight A’s. Luckily the play is happening when my only core class is algebra.

I have to work to keep money, and possibly even to have a phone which I’m going to need.

I have to keep my friends and not freak out, though the ones that really care will stick with me.

And I have to do a play- of which Mr. Willard would rather play us like puppets rather than actors, thanks to Shay’s analogy.

I’m not sure how I’m going to do all of this in a set time period and keep on top of it, so I’m kind of nervous. I just really hope people are committed and that I will have faith for it turning out well throughout the whole thing. I want to be able to have a good experience and a good outcome when this is overwith.

But, after it’s all over, about a week after, there’s the state Thespian Conference! Man, I am so pumped for it. Like really, it’s going to be a BLAST. :]

I can do this, I know it, but I’ll need help:]

bahaha!

Heathy, it's like a male.. YOU. i don't know, i was youtube searching:]
i love you.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A THESPIAN WHEN-

-. More then half of your wardrobe consists of scarfs that you wear year-round, and fadora’s.

-. You hear the word “Macbeth” and you shrivel down into fetal position and then do the “counter-curse”

-. You have to have your stomach pumped because you’ve been living off of Top Roman for so long.

-. You can name every single Gershwin/Neil Simon/ Arthur Miller/ Rogers and Hammersteins/ and Sondheim… play/musical every created.

- When you see a fellow thespian at your school you ALWAYS have an inside joke about a show you are doing…or have done and you ALWAYS repeat it with them.

- When the entire cast drops dead with exhaustion when the closing night curtain call is over.

- When you continually say… and all that jazz.

- When everytime you walk into a library the song, “Madamme libraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarian….” pops into your head and you feel ( or do) like dancing around the library.

- You warm up your lips by kissing whoever is next to you backstage.

- When you hear “Heads Up.” you yell thank you and look for the backdrop or scrim that is coming down.

- You become better at stage makeup then actual everyday makeup.

- You can do a perfect immitation of the great and fabulous Ethel Merman

- You wince at daylight.

- You are able to run for food inbetween scenes and do so in record timing.

- Every pair of nylons you have are ripped.

- You use big gestures when speaking to someone.

- You have had an actual Meat-Pie.

- You worship Bernadette Peters

- You know who Bert Williams is.

- You have watched the pbs Broadway special that was 4 hours long… and either taped it or went out and bought it.

~ When you hear your history teacher lecture on the country of BOHEMIA. you instantly start singing La Vi Boheme from RENT.

~ You hear the word TRADITION and you start singing the song and saying Mozel tov to everyone you see.

~ You can’t remember what the original color was on your paint clothes.

~ More then half of your paycheck goes to production fee’s.

~ You begin to read a book for English and you start to do character analysis’ on each character in the book.

~ You listen to a soundtrack and choreograph..and block the entire play in your head.

~ You look at random people and cast them as a part in a play in your mind.

~ You say “Break a Leg” to a person “auditioning” for a part in a sports team.

~ When you are hungry in class you begin to eat pantomime food on your desk.

thank you shay/alex:]

i love you.

just... STOP.

I hate people. Literally. I'm always the middle man, the one left out, the "almost pretty enough", best friend but not really, take advantage of the nice girl-person. And for exactly these reasons. I confide in the people I trust just to be let down time and time again, because I trust too much all of the time. I'm too nice. Too happy. Whatever. I've had so many fake friends it's just ridiculous, and I never understand what I do wrong to be taken advantage of. Thank you "oh so wonderful friends". Ugh, It's a bad day, shut up.

On some other notes I guess, my mom kicks ass. I'm not sure why, but she has like those motherly super powers that, when shes not in a bad mood, she makes me soar, but I guess thats what moms are supposed to do. I'm understanding math and have a steady b average, and Mr. Willard sucks. We need to get this show on the road and start practicing, but thats not going to happen. Whatever. I need social help.

talk about fantasy..

You know when you were a kid and always wish you were a movie star? That's exactly what I feel like. I'm just so happy. I tried out for a play, The Outsiders which is consequently my favorite book of all time and has been made into a movie and PLAY, I got the part I would have always wanted- Cherry Valance. I read the book and I'm like, I would do anything to be her, Ponyboy is my hero. Now I look at it as- I AM CHERRY VALANCE! It's really not a huge part but man, talk about your dreams coming true. And to add on, one of my best friends like ever is doubled with me. How much cooler could it get? Yeah, that's what I thought too, it can't.

Although I'm about as nervous about it as I could ever be, up there on the stage, me really finally acting... I'm about the happiest person you will ever know. I miss the play life, plus I'll get to see Shay more than usual, then again only have about seven hours of work every week for money and no social life..

I love my life. I'm so happy. :O YAY!

20 things about me:]

1. If I could eat one food everyday, it would be cream of wheat. <3
2. If I could, I would sleep more than I was awake.
3. My sister is my very best friend, I love her more than words.
4. I listen to music more than I talk to people.
5. I either forgive too easily, or not easily enough.
6. I have a tendency to say things without thinking.
7. I hold grudges very easily.
8. My favorite color is green, and always has been.
9. I almost always mean what I say.
10. I can't stand ignorant people.
11. I don't believe in god.
12. I hate having one specific best friend.
13. But I love best friends in general.
14. I want to go to college
15. I support Obama- if only I could vote.
16. Chai is one of the best inventions ever made.
17. I love school.
18. I love running.
19. I'm a ginger child :]
20. Twilight is my anti-drug.

I'm

confused. frustrated. annoyed. in distress? in the same way, I'm really happy, and giddy, and happy with life. A couple things I've come to realize- There's just so much I have to do! I think I'm losing connections with one of my best friends and I miss her. I miss her a lot. It reminds me of Twilight, when Jacob just stops talking to Bella? I don't even communicate with her, much less make eye contact. Thank you Mr. Willard for putting your nose in things that aren't your business.
On another note, trying out for a play (AUDITIONS) is one of the most nerve racking things I've ever done. I'm really kind of excited though, even if I don't get a part, I'm happy I did it. I miss the play life.
I love rain, my iPod, Carmex, sleep, the fact that I have wonderful people in my life, and being able to be myself. I love life. Zac Efron is hott, and he really needed voice lessons in high school musical. Anyway, this week, I'm going to cover some things up, bring some things out, get tutored in math, and make everything better- I promise.

the pieces of my heart

These people are some of the most important in my life right now. Every one of them has a piece of my heart.

Ashley Hancock: My, well, everything. I’ve known her since I was what, two? She’s my best friend, and really has been there for me through every single little detail of my life. She knows everything, and now, I think I really appreciate it. When she goes to college, I’m going to be heartbroken. We want to be roommates, and I bet anything in the world that we would be the best. I worry when she’s home too late, and I love her with all my heart.

Heather Renee: Other half? Yeah. I really have only known her less than a year! But over this summer we got sooo close. She means so friggin much to me. We don’t talk half as much as we should now that we go to school together, but she is two years ahead of me, only one if you count in age:] She gives me squeals, and is the only reason I live to watch movies. We’re attached at the hip, and never too far away for a phone call. We talk for hours.. literally.

Cassidi Marie: On and off best friend since 7th grade. hahaha. She really is a total drama queen. :] We’ve been through a lot, and she gets what I’m going through 99.5 percent of the time. haaa. Gorgeous, smart, and my total savior. lol. I couldn’t get along without her, she’s sooo important. She has the best stories, and is the one I tell my secrets to because I know she can handle them.

Blake Anderson: Total jerk, but I love him just as much as I should. He’s the perfect big brother figure, and I love how he really watches out for me. I can beat him up without feeling bad about it (but really it’s the other way around) and he’s great for Shay. I love him a lot, and am very glad to have him in my life.

Dylan Windish: Exactly the second older sister I’ve had since I was in second grade. She is my counselor and my guidance, and god she’s so crazy. :] I really do love her with everything I have, and mostly, I look up to her. I try my hardest to really listen to what she has to say. She’s pretty amazing.

Francisco Bravo: The best bitch I have ever known. lol. Soo unique, You’d be lucky if you could find someone like him in a lifetime. He has a ring of authority about him and reminds me very much of a leader, and that’s the position he brings upon people. He’s one special guy, and I’m pretty lucky to have a friend like him.

Deanna Sycamore: We’ve had some of the best memories I’ve ever had together. I think we both had a little bit of growing up to do, but we’re on the right track and I think it’s a good thing. She listens to what I have to say, and understands when we disagree. She’s been there for me when I need it, and has been a big part of my life. We blow off a lot of what we say we’re going to do but never do, but in the end I care about her more than I care about a lot of people. We’ve had a couple of pretty great fights but they all were supposed to happen. I love youuu.

Parents: Both my mom and my dad have made me exactly who I am. They’re the inspiration in my life, they tell me to keep going, and they never give up on me. My dad brings out different things in me. He taught me how to dirtbike, which is one of my favorite pastimes, and he’s always there. My mom is the one I bring everything to. I talk to her, cry to her, I can get mad at her and yell, but all in all, she’s my mom, and she’ll always be there. They are my whole heart.

Let me know if I left you out, I'll add you in:]