Whatever you like,

I've read some things lately, and talked to people, I think I know what I really want. What I need. What I have, and how I'm acting.

Want: I want to be able to rely on people. I want someone, anyone, to love me forever, just because they can deal with me no matter what. Sure, I get on my rough spots *cough cough right now cough.* but, who cares? If someone really wants me, they really care and are willing to be committed to be there for me, they wouldn't leave me the instant they find something better. They'll still love me for me. Because we'll be able to balance each other. I want that.

Need: I need to be happy, to be strong, but careless at the same time. I miss when I didn't have to worry, when there wasn't drama, when I didn't cry every night. No one really gets how I feel, what kind of person I really am. Then again, sometimes I don't even know myself- but that's not the point. I want to be back to where I could love unconditionally and be happy no matter what. Even the fake smiles. Now, I can't even do that- I feel like I bring everyone down. I'm sorry guys.

Have: I have people I love. People that do care, even if they don't understand why I'm acting the way I am, or how I'm feeling. Shay gets how to be there, Cass knows how to make me happy, Nicole knows how to get me to talk, Blake knows how to make me laugh and feel better about myself, Dylan knows how to let me rant and be angry when I shouldn't. They're there in different ways, and they all love me. I should trust more, but I also need a base to rely on, you know?

Acting: I'm acting like a girl. I'm acting like a bitch. But I'm also being reasonable and rational. More so than one would think. I know what has happened to me, and I've pulled away- but I don't know how to get back, how to stop. I can't let things be, I always have to "feel bad." I make myself think things through- then throw it all away because I'm sad, or angry, or annoyed. I need to stop.


I'm not necessarily happy with the way things are right now, but I have a good life, I know good people, and I love and need much more than one should. I love who's there for me- so thanks guys. I'm sorry I've been such a bust.