Whatever you like,

I've read some things lately, and talked to people, I think I know what I really want. What I need. What I have, and how I'm acting.

Want: I want to be able to rely on people. I want someone, anyone, to love me forever, just because they can deal with me no matter what. Sure, I get on my rough spots *cough cough right now cough.* but, who cares? If someone really wants me, they really care and are willing to be committed to be there for me, they wouldn't leave me the instant they find something better. They'll still love me for me. Because we'll be able to balance each other. I want that.

Need: I need to be happy, to be strong, but careless at the same time. I miss when I didn't have to worry, when there wasn't drama, when I didn't cry every night. No one really gets how I feel, what kind of person I really am. Then again, sometimes I don't even know myself- but that's not the point. I want to be back to where I could love unconditionally and be happy no matter what. Even the fake smiles. Now, I can't even do that- I feel like I bring everyone down. I'm sorry guys.

Have: I have people I love. People that do care, even if they don't understand why I'm acting the way I am, or how I'm feeling. Shay gets how to be there, Cass knows how to make me happy, Nicole knows how to get me to talk, Blake knows how to make me laugh and feel better about myself, Dylan knows how to let me rant and be angry when I shouldn't. They're there in different ways, and they all love me. I should trust more, but I also need a base to rely on, you know?

Acting: I'm acting like a girl. I'm acting like a bitch. But I'm also being reasonable and rational. More so than one would think. I know what has happened to me, and I've pulled away- but I don't know how to get back, how to stop. I can't let things be, I always have to "feel bad." I make myself think things through- then throw it all away because I'm sad, or angry, or annoyed. I need to stop.


I'm not necessarily happy with the way things are right now, but I have a good life, I know good people, and I love and need much more than one should. I love who's there for me- so thanks guys. I'm sorry I've been such a bust.

Obsessive Compulsive.

I think I'm.. friend-intolorent? Thats not a word, but whatever. I can't keep friends to save my life. I don't know what is wrong with me. I say all the wrong things at exactly the wrong time. I speak how I feel when no one wants to actually know. It's not fair. I'm so confused. I'm not sure if someone will take it completely the wrong way, but I never have any way of fixing it.

I'M SORRY.
for whatever I did.
Really, this is pointless. I miss our relationship. Truly.
So, I Could just stop talking. To everyone I care about. Maybe then I wouldn't screw up.

Watch out Cass, I could make you mad next, and then everyone I ever cared about will be against me.
I love you:]



fbgjkdbgjfdbgj.
Please, kill me now.

Yeah, Like everyone else.

One. I love dirt biking. Or quadding. From like 6-8th grade, I was bomb at it, and I loved it. It took my stress away and the adrenaline is fantastic. I really want to get back into it.

Two. I love school. I love learning, knowing things, and being able to know them. The though that I have the ability to learn fascinates me.

Three. I've never kissed a boy. Not really anyway. It's weird, I think I would have by now, but I haven't. It's not that I've avoided it, it just never happens. Which leads to-

Four. I've never had like a real boyfriend. Sure the whole 6th grade crushes- "oh see that boy on the other side of the playground? Yeah, he's my 'boyfriend.' " Now that I think about it, I really want one. But I guess all they are is trouble.

Five. Up until 8th grade, I had never, not once, gotten below a B. Never. 8th grade, I got the worst grades I had ever gotten- a C- and a D+, and it was in algebra. I think I'm math dyslexic. I suck at it.

Six. One of my favorite things to do is read, and I don't really care at all if I'm made fun of for it. I love it so much, it could make me puke. Love it.

Seven. In the last 2 years, during a school week- I haven't gone to bed before 10. Not once.

Eight. I hate soda. No matter how much I drink it, even if I like it then, I hate it. It makes me feel sick. It's too sweet.

Nine. I was vegetarian for 3 months. I know I could have gone longer, but I just wanted to see what it was like, and it really wasn't that hard. Soon, I'm hoping to do it again. And all for the right reasons.

Ten. I actually really like sports, but I'm not really that good. If I practiced I could be, but I don't.

Eleven. As a Freshman, I have the lead part in the fall play, and it's freaking hard. I'm really not that good of an actress, but I love it.

Twelve. I always have to have a best friend, even if I have more than one, which happens more commonly than I would like.

Thirteen. I never can love more than one person all the same. It's never fair to me, but I love more than my heart can handle.

Fourteen. I shop at all the stores everyone else does. Abercrombie, American Eagle, Aero, But I also have my very own style. I make it my own. :]

Fifteen. I'm a clean freak. My room will be a mess, and I can clean it spotless in less than 25 minutes. I love organizing- it's weird. I have a knack for knowing where things should go.

Sixteen. I really don't like watching T.V. much. It kind of annoys me, all except the office and Grey's. And, like every parent, mine used to tell me if I watched it too much, my brain would turn to mush. I actually believed them until I was like nine.

Seventeen. I'm told often I act much more mature than my age. Which, to me, I take as a good thing. I like being able to connect with people older than me, though I'm much younger. So I'm told.

Eighteen. I've fallen in love with blogging, and it takes up way too much of my time. I love telling about my dull life, even if no one's listening.

Nineteen. I'm a really good speller. When I was in 6th grade, my sister was a Freshman (even now) and she would ask me how to spell things. It's been going on for years. I just know the sounds, and if I see a word that's spelled weird, I remember it for exactly that reason.

Twenty. When I believe in something, I'll fight for it if someone disagrees. I'm very strong about my opinions.

Twenty one. (Refer to number nine.) I have to know where people belong in my life. They have to have a spot and I have to know exactly what I need them for. Even if it's just for loving them.

Twenty two. I don't really use people. Not for my convenience. I love being able to rely on people, even if I can't. I do anyway.



more to commmeee.

Selfishly me.

Thanks Cass. I love you.


1. Who are you?

2. Are we friends?

3. When and how did we meet?

4. How have I affected you?

5. What do you think of me?

6. What's the fondest memory you have of me?

7. How long do you think we will be friends?

8. Do you love me?

9. Do you have a crush on me?

10. Would you kiss me?

11. Would you hug me?

12. Physically, what stands out?

13. Emotionally, what stands out?

14. Do you wish I was cooler?

15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?

16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.

17. Am I loveable?

18. How long have you known me?

19. Describe me in one word.

20. What was your first impression?

21. Do you still think that way about me now?

22. What do you think my weakness is?

23. Do you think I'll get married?

24. What makes me happy?

25. What makes me sad?

26. What reminds you of me?

27. If you could give me anything what would it be?

28. How well do you know me?

29. When's the last time you saw me?

30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

31. Do you think I could kill someone?

32. Do you miss me?

33. Do you think i miss you?

34. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?

Homecoming 2008

They aren't the best pictures, but they're what I have.

The group (left to right) Paula, Blake, Shay, Dylan, Matt, Athena, Levi, and myself.

I love.

Homecoming- 3 days. I'm so excited. My dress is gorgeous, even though it's not fancy or anything. It's just going to be so much fun. We're just really hanging out for the day date, nothing super special- just quadding. I love it. It's going to be a blast.

Today was an on and off day. Off- Algebra and PE. I hate them more than anything. On- Half of play practice and talking to my Cass about blogging eachother, homecoming, and our dresses. I love that girl to the moon and back. I'm trying to make things better. Really trying.

Like a Mountain.

I really want to know if I'll be able to get along on my own. I really do. Things are a mess, and I cry almost every night. I mean, we have less than four and a half weeks left until opening, and I've only really blocked one scene, of which I don't really even know. It's hard. I wish I could act. I need support, and my family has more than been there for me. I'm just not sure I can do it.

Shay leaves in less than 7 months. She'll do great things, I know, but my heart breaks when I think about how far away she'll be, and how happy she'll be- without me. I love her with everything I have. She thinks I'm so strong. I'm really not. How will I be able to make it without her? Things are hard,and they'll just get harder. So I'm going t be optimistic. Cass makes a very valid point. She climbed a mountain all by herself. She's moving on. I wish I could be that strong. I need her, too.

I need to be as strong as her and Shay. I look up to them so much.

So I need to be able to look after myself. I need to be able to look up to me. I need to be able to count on myself. It's the only way I'll ever be strong. As strong as the people I look up to.

Um,

THINGS ARE NOT BETTER.

It was a great weekend, sure, but I had to come back to reality sometime.
This wasn't the way I wanted it to happen, FYI.
So can I just know who my real friends are so I don't have to deal with this? Not cool guys, not cool.
The people (person?) I trusted 98% of the time disappointed me beyond belief. I happen to care about what happens to the people I love. I'd rather cut you completely out of my life then to see Shay hurt. And she's going to get hurt- is hurt. So thanks. Some 'best friend?'
Don't think so.
I can take care of myself. I have every other time, haven't I? It's been worse, I could have no friends, none that care, fake ones. This isn't so bad. I have people that care about me, right? I can deal, you, might not be able to. And maybe if you hadn't done this to my family, yes, family, I would still trust you. I'm not sure I do. Prove to me I should, that I should want to.

I'm not failing math, I'm doing pretty well considering. I have a B average, so how come I'm so angry? B's are good, and maybe I'm too hard on myself, but I don't think so. I worked hard enough for an A, I worked really hard. It's not fair. I want to kick my ass for not getting an A. This last year I didn't get the best grades, in math anyway. I'm pushing for it. So how come I can't accomplish what I want? Why can't for once, something go my way?

I love my family, and my friends, the ones I know will be there for me at least for right now. I need help. Really, Emotional breakdown, T minus 5 days. It's going to happen. I can't stand not being able to keep control of myself. High school is hard. Shit.

save tonight, fight the break of dawn.

Come tomorrow, tomorrow I'll be gone.
Miss high school drama queen. I feel like it. I can't stand being stressed anymore, so hopefully, after this weekend, everything will be okay.
I know, I'm too needy. I need people, not things. I can't stand not having a 'best friend' at one time or another. I get jealous easily. I complain too much. I'm used. But then again, I make myself fall into all of it. I think my deal is (with the exception of family issues) that I'm reall scared to be abandoned. It's seriously scares me. I have to keep what I love close, otherwise I'll lose it all. For example, Shay wants to go to Alaska for college. I'm afraid we'll drift apart, that I won't see her anymore, that I'm going to miss her more than anyone could ever imagine. She's one of the only people I will not be able to lose. And of she moves in with Blake? I do not want to be replaced. I know, I'm family, but he's her boyfriend, and he's important. I do know this. But she's mine. My sister.

I love Heather, I love Cass, and I love Deanna. Wanting them all to be my best friends all at the same time, but in different ways isn't going to happen. I have a fail safe idea of reality, and it always gets to me. Always.
I'm jealous, yes. But protective at the most. because I know I'm going to have to help when things go wrong.
I'm most usually the rebound. Like a boyfriend, but in the friend sense.
I love my friends. I also need to get over myself.